The Relating Languages

AUTHENTIC REVOLUTION
THE RELATING
LANGUAGES:
AN OVERVIEW

WHAT ARE THE
RELATING LANGUAGES?
Why, despite a thousand systems of communication, despite all our best efforts, do we still struggle to connect with other people?
I am a student and teacher of connection. For over a decade, I have led a movement known as Authentic Relating, which has spread to 6 continents and gained tens of thousands of practitioners. I am often convinced, seeing my students connect, that everyone can and should engage as "authentically".
Then my students, and I, go home to our families, and find that our tools fail us just when we need them most.
I imagine you've had this same experience: wanting to get along with family or coworkers that you can't avoid, and yet failing to understand why they are so rude. So intrusive, so withholding, obtuse, boring, or challenging. So unaware. "If they'd just be more like my friends", you think, "I'd enjoy them more." And yet, there are people who have similar judgments of you and your friends!
Because there are so many ways to communicate, no one set of tools can solve them. But, over years of trying different tools, I started stumbling across common patterns. I found a system for relating - one that acknowledges and accepts our differences, names them, and creates space for the tensions those differences can cause.
These types changed the way I see the world as a teacher, a facilitator, a team leader and a CEO - not to mention as a daughter, partner, and friend. They have helped me mediate conflicts, make new friends, and connect even with people I don't understand.
To return to my original inquiry, Why is it so hard to connect? The answers to this question can be seen in our questions, stories, comments, and silence. They can be seen in how we expect others to initiate or to respond, how much focus we put on ourselves versus on others, how we change in situations of stress versus safety.
They are different languages and dialects of communication, as complex and as comprehensible as any other tongue.
They are the Relating Languages - the key to understanding anyone, to finding “our tribe”, and to deciphering the secret language of all human beings.
1

THE BIG WHY
OF THE RELATING LANGUAGES
We are experiencing a crisis of connection.
In the western world, we are experiencing what some researchers call a “loneliness epidemic”.
Less than a century ago, our lives required connection. We needed our friends and neighbors to support us in tasks that couldn't be done alone: barnraising, farming, babysitting, defense. This led us to live together in small, interdependent communities that fostered human interaction.
Today, the services we used to get from neighbors and friends are bartered for money or provided by technology. We have moved from small village culture into huge, disconnected cities, and suburbs where “good fences make good neighbors”.
The groups and institutions that once sustained community are steadily eroding. The church is shrinking; families and friends are increasingly divided by space; partnerships end in months rather than decades.
More people live alone than ever before in American history. 40% of adults say they’re lonely. In a 2004 poll, 1 in 4 Americans said they didn’t have anybody in their lives close enough to discuss important matters with.
Being lonely increases your risk of early death as much as smoking and even more than obesity. Medical patients and war veterans regularly taking heroin are able to break their addiction when in a strong social environment. Positive social relationships predict health and lifespan better than any other factor except genetics.
The most striking evidence of our need for contact comes from a 72-year study that followed almost three hundred men over a lifetime, understanding what makes humans find joy or suffering, sadness or survival. After collecting all the evidence, the study’s director, George Vaillant, concluded:
“It is social aptitude, not intellectual brilliance or parental social class, that leads to successful aging...the only thing that really matters in life are your relationships to other people.”
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So, if we know all this - and I think most of us, on some level, do - why can't we connect? Why can't we break down that thin barrier that exists between our understandings, between our desires, between our selves?
I have delved into the literature of psychology and personality, and worked with tens of thousands of students, trying to answer this question. I found a few seeming constants:
1. Nosinglesystemofcommunicationwilleverhelpeverybodygetalong.
2. Wehaveahardtimeseeingoracceptingwhatwecannotname.
3. Whenpeoplehavenamesfortheirbehaviors,andforothers’,theyhavean
easier time relating with understanding.
4. Almosteverybodywantstoconnectwithothers,andwiththemselves.
We have many personal typing systems. MBTI, Enneagram, Human Design, Integral levels of development, erotic and BDSM blueprints; you name a trait and there is a test for it. They give us labels for our shared uniqueness, in a world that often tells us we should all be the same.
My hypothesis is: with a type system for connection, we may be able to demystify misunderstanding. Instead of categorizing a person's communication as rude or disrespectful, bad or wrong, we could say:
"Darling, you enjoy Storytelling, and I'm more into Questioning. I know it's important for you to be heard and finish your narrative, but can I ask you something more specific?"
Or,
"Boss, when you get into Directing mode with me, I know you're wanting to help me have all the resources and ideas I need to finish this project. But Observing is my main language, and I need time to take things in. Can you give me a minute to consider?
Or,
"Hey, I may not speak the same language as you, but we can still listen in the same tongue.
I do not expect this system to solve every communication problem. I simply hope it can be a foot in the door, an easier and more fun way into the labyrinth of empathy that lies between our understandings. Something one old friend can send to another, or one estranged child to one unforgiving parent, and say,
"I get it now - that thing that keeps us from connecting, that keeps me home alone. I can put it into language. I can give it a name. I can ask for something different, or learn to speak like you."
Epidemics are solved by cures.
But they are healed one person at a time.
- Ari Winters, 2022
3

THE MAP
EXPLAINED
(don't worry, it will make sense as we go on)
4

THE RECEPTIVE LANGUAGES
QUESTIONING
INTERROGATING
Asks questions to understand. Uses focused, rapid queries, often used to build or test their theories about the world.
SERVING
Asks questions to be understanding. Finds queries that will most interest and benefit the answerer.
EXPLORING
Asks questions to openly explore.
Uses attentive and open-ended queries that satisfy the asker's curiosity, and leave space for others' exploration.
OBSERVING
WITHDRAWING
Observes to find space. Tends not to speak unless they understand the social context.
MERGING
Observes to provide space.
Focuses on awareness or support. Tends not to speak unless they feel they can contribute.
PARTAKING
Observes to take part in space.
Participates in conversations with an awareness of self and others, speaking if it feels necessary.
5

THE EXPRESSIVE LANGUAGES
STORYTELLING
INFORMING
Gives information and experience to offer value. Focuses on completion and
accuracy. Can over-expound and lose listeners.
PERFORMING
Gives information and experience to be valued. Focused on reactions. Easily
distracted from their point if others disagree.
CONVEYING
Gives information and experience to create value.
Enjoys getting ideas across with clarity and engagement from listeners. Responds fluidly to interruptions.
DIRECTING
COMMANDING
Directs to get their needs met. Takes charge of a situation or conversation in order to get what they want done.
SUGGESTING
Directs to elicit others' needs.
Makes veiled requests to get their needs across without stepping on others' toes
CONDUCTING
Directs to get everyone's needs met.
Clarifies the situation and creates actions that move us towards a communal goal.
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NEED TO KNOW
1.
2.
Languages have different expectations
The Receptive languages are Questioning and Observing. People speaking these wait to be asked before sharing personal information. They expect others to pause or ask questions to show interest.
The Expressive languages are Directing and Storytelling. People speaking these offer information freely. They expect the other person to initiate or even interrupt if they wish to speak.
The Interactive languages are Questioning and Directing. People speaking these look for a back- and-forth of conversation, expecting both people to speak briefly enough for high engagement.
The Didactic languages are Observing and Storytelling. People speaking these tend to take turns, and prefer to give or receive complete thoughts before processing new information.
You have more than one language.
You might have grown up speaking English or Spanish, Arabic or Chinese. In the same way, most people grow up speaking only a few Relating Languages. But just like any language, you can learn other modes.
People change Relating Languages based on the company they’re with, and the situation they're in. However, most people have a preferred:
Safety Language - How you relate when you are among friends, when you do not monitor yourself or watch your actions.
Stress Language - How you relate when you feel threatened or unsafe. Social Language - Change depending on the context of the group.
You may speak different Relating Languages in each of these situations, or a different Dialect of the same language.
7

NEED TO KNOW
NOW WITH MORE KNOWLEDGE The Growth Path
Every Relating Language contains
two sub-types, or Dialects. These lie on a spectrum. Too far towards either end is unbalanced.
The Internal Dialect, at the bottom of the diagram, is more self-focused. Although being
connected to oneself is essential, getting stuck in this Dialect can make you unaware or disconnected from others.
The External Dialect, at the outer edge of the diagram, is more other- focused. This can make others feel cared about and special, but you can lose touch with your own truth or needs in the process.
Towards the middle of each spectrum is a Balanced Dialect, a relational focus where you can maintain attention on both yourself and others while speaking. This tends to offer the best social results, and is one goal of development in the Relating Languages.
Your motivations and responses may be very different depending on which Dialect you are speaking at any given time.
4.
3.
The Relating Languages are a map, not a territory.
This system is meant to help you understand others, not to type them and use that as a reason for why they’re “not evolved enough” or “not skillful enough” to talk with you. If you can’t talk with them, it’s your own skill that first needs work.
Use this system to speak with others in ways that allow them to blossom under your attention. Stay curious how to meet others - and be met - in the best possible connection. Hold this system, and each other, lightly and with love.
Let’s get into the Languages!
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QUESTIONING
What do you think this is? What can you do with it? What was that like for you? Why? Can you tell me more?
When speaking the Questioning language, you lead with your curiosity. You want both breadth and depth from the conversation, even if you have to dig for it. Who wants to talk with a person without learning something new?
You enjoy both asking and being asked questions, so it can be hard for you to understand others’ desire for privacy. You sometimes overwhelm them with how much you want to know.
When in this mode, you may worry about over-sharing. You can get frustrated when others don’t ask questions back, as you won’t talk much about yourself unless you feel their curiosity.
Your attention can make you a delightful friend, a relentless interpersonal researcher, or an ally in seeking to discover the world.
Positive attributes: interested, understanding, receptive to new ideas Negative attributes: intrusive, insensitive, can lose themselves in others
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QUESTIONING
INTERROGATING
Internal Focus
I will ask questions until I get the knowledge I need
Others sometimes see my curiosity as nosy or intrusive
My curiosity is mostly self- motivated, from what I am personally interested in
Sometimes I have to remind myself to slow my questions down
I like to build and test mental models of how people and the world work.
SERVING
External Focus
People seem to feel very open and comfortable around me
I really want other people to feel seen and understood by me
I like the social validation that comes from being a spaceholder
I can lose myself in the other person and forget my own needs or desires
Relationships sometimes feel one- sided, with me taking up less space than others.
INVITING
Balanced Focus
I use questions as a way to get to know others and check my own assumptions about the world
I gauge others' level of interest or comfort in my questions, and adjust to different topics or depths as needed
I guide my questions to keep conversations inclusive and interesting.
10

OBSERVING
Observing is a language of receptivity and contemplation. It is what you use when there is space in the conversation, when someone else is speaking, when you want to take in new information, or make sure that you understand what has already been said.
Observing can include silence, reflection of another's words, sharing present-moment personal impact, or naming something you directly notice. When speaking this language, you don't usually contribute new information to the conversation. But, you can enhance or move along what is already there.
Although you might feel like a wallflower or a witness, you can notice detail that gets passed over in other modes. This becomes information you can share with others, or use to understand the environment better for yourself.
The dangers of this mode are getting frozen and self-conscious if you're too internally focused, or merged and unaware of your own desires if you're too externally focused. However, when you find ways to return to yourself, you can create a quiet space for you and others to enjoy - an oasis of simplicity in the center of a busy world.
Positive attributes: perceptive, intuitive, spacious Negative attributes: detached, frozen, disengaged
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OBSERVING
WITHDRAWING
Internal Focus
I can get overwhelmed and frozen in social situations
I’d rather not interact than risk saying something wrong
Sometimes I feel stuck inside my own head
I monitor and moderate my level of engagement to feel safe.
MERGING
External Focus
I'm very aware of social norms and undercurrents
I won't speak up if I think someone else has a better thing to say
I can be so aware of others that I lose myself
I find it easier to be part of a space than to contribute to it.
PARTAKING
Balanced Focus
I enjoy being a participant and watching or taking part, even if I'm in a leadership position
I will offer reflection or signs of attention if I think that will contribute positively to the conversation
If asked, I can share insights on what I notice in the group I am comfortable with silence
I find pleasure in slowness.
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STORYTELLING
The Storytelling language is the best Relating Language for delivering personal or topical information. It can make you the life of the party and provide a magical sense of immersion. But, it can be frustrating for those who strain to get a word in edgewise.
Storytelling includes the whole category of invented, personal, or informational stories - everything from your response to “How was your day?” to a recap of the latest sportsball game, or an explanation of particle physics. These are the stories we tell about ourselves and about the world.
When Storytelling, you paint a picture of the moment or topic, and often want to get it complete before others interrupt. You rely on the listener giving you cues for whether or not they’re interested. Sometimes you want to relate a topic that is interesting or exciting to you; sometimes, you want to provide a spark that others can play off of.
You often act as the social "glue", holding a conversation or group together by filling the space, or reminding an existing group of shared moments they've had. But, you have to be wary that your glue doesn't turn into a quicksand of words, from which others cannot escape.
Positive attributes: engaging, expressive, informative Negative attributes: self-involved, performative, overtalking
13

STORYTELLING
INFORMING
Internal Focus
I want other people to fully understand my point of view
It’s important to me to get the facts right
I can be either abrupt or long- winded
I'm more of an external processor
I find safety in getting my point across.
PERFORMING
External Focus
I carefully track others' reactions to what I'm saying
If the other person doesn't seem engaged, I can lose my train of thought
I will change my story if it's not having the desired effect
I find safety in being listened to with someone's full attention.
CONVEYING
Balanced Focus
I adapt the way I tell facts or stories based on others' reactions, verbal or nonverbal. It's important to me that others are engaged.
I like talking, but I won't fight for the attention if it's taken away. I incorporate interruptions or cede the floor to others if they want to contribute.
I use stories in part to draw others into conversation, and solicit their own stories or ideas.
14

DIRECTING
Directing is the language of challenge and creation, of “Don’t touch that!” and “Let there be light.” It is useful when there is a task to complete, but it’s also necessary every day to communicate your needs and desires. When Directing, you may give commands, make requests, or offer suggestions.
A good Director can be a gift to any group or situation by helping people negotiate their needs. A bad Director can over-control and shut down others’ expressions.
Directing is an interesting language because, depending on how you were raised, you may speak it very differently. Passive Directors will ask for action in a roundabout way. They may say, “Do you want to take out the trash?”. Active Directors in the same situation will say, “Please take out the trash.” It can sometimes take interaction to find out whether a passive Director is making a request, or just looking for information.
Regardless of how you speak this language, we all need it sometimes - for instance, when setting boundaries or asking for help. Directing is an essential part of developing skill in the Relating Languages.
Positive attributes: quick, effective, powerful, change-making
Negative attributes: manipulative, demanding, controlling, intimidating
15

COMMANDING
Internal Focus
I am very good at getting things done
It's hard for others to say no to me
People can feel overwhelmed or resentful at my ability to ask for or demand what I want
I feel frustrated when there is not clarity or forward movement
I expect others to push back if they want something different.
SUGGESTING
External Focus
I ask for the things I need in a roundabout way
I want to understand the options before making a request, so I am less likely to be wrong or rejected
I use passive statements like "Do you want..." or "Maybe we should..."
I think it's important to get things done, but I don't want to override anyone to do that.
DIRECTING
CONDUCTING
Balanced Focus
I state my needs clearly, but leave equally clear space for others to negotiate and contribute their own desires
I want to find collaborative solutions
I facilitate conversations and decisions for all of our benefit.
16

USE CASES
You are a manager at a top company, presenting an idea that your team has come up with. Many of the meeting participants have strong opinions
about it, and the meeting is starting to dissolve into chaos. What should you do?
QUESTIONING
If you're getting too much feedback, or feedback that is not useful, you probably haven't refined your question enough. You re-orient the conversation to what you really need by asking a more specific question.
DIRECTING
You say, "Thank you for your opinions - this has been very valuable. I'm going to end the feedback session here, since I've got all the information I can integrate for now. If you have more ideas, please email them to me."
STORYTELLING
You realize that you haven't given enough context for your plan, and people are coming up with feedback that you've already considered. You say (leading with Directing), "I'm going to interrupt here and take an extra 5 minutes to explain some other aspects of this plan, to clarify what my team could use...."
OBSERVING
You decide to relax into the chaos and see what it resolves into. After a few minutes of un-facilitated discussion, a clear consensus emerges among the rest of the group. You have your next steps!
17

USE CASES
You are in a group of friends, out at a restaurant together. One friend has brought another acquaintance, Joe, who is absolutely dominating the
conversation. Nobody else can get a word in edgewise. What do you do?
QUESTIONING
You try to re-orient the conversation to a topic that you think everyone will enjoy. You ask "Hey Joe, there is a topic we've been discussing in our group lately, and I'd love to hear your answer to it, or others'. What do y'all think about the new developments in artificial intelligence?
DIRECTING
You interrupt Joe and say, "Joe, I'm really interested in what you're saying, but I want to hear from the rest of the group. Would you mind sitting back and listening for a few minutes so we can all get a chance to catch up?" If Joe doesn't get the point, you make a direct ask on your group thread after for the friend who invited Joe not to bring him again.
STORYTELLING
You decide to change the balance of conversation by telling a story of your own. You interrupt Joe and say, "You know, that reminds me of a time..." You have to talk over him for a sentence or two before he stops talking, but the attention turns to you. The group seems to relax a bit with a familiar face taking the space.
OBSERVING
You realize that it's not a big problem for someone to dominate a single conversation in this group. You'll get lots more time together in future. You relax and use the opportunity to watch how each member of your group is responding to Joe's stories. You learn a lot about their personalities and Relating Languages just by seeing how they navigate the situation.
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WHAT'S
NEXT?
Congratulations! You now understand more about the Relating Languages. Maybe you've even started to identify what languages you are strong and weak in, and want to learn how to use that information to become a relational Jedi.
Here are the next steps along that path.
Take the Quiz
Go to relatinglanguages.com and take the 5-minute quiz to find out your primary Relating Language(s). You can then get access to more in-depth manuals on
every Language and Dialect.
You can also purchase the full statistical quiz for the most accurate results on your Languages, with an included session with one of our coaches to go over your results.
Coaching + Programs
We work with individuals, couples, and organizations of all types to help you synchronize your Relating Languages for love, creativity, and productivity. Learn to use your Superpowers and avoid your Shadows, and develop the capacity to
speak every language!
Contact us at [email protected] to talk.
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AUTHENTIC REVOLUTION
THE RELATING
LANGUAGES:
QUESTIONING

WHAT ARE THE
RELATING LANGUAGES?
Imagine that you live in a city where there are four different languages being spoken, and you are expected to understand every one without being taught it.
Imagine that no one tells you if you’re using the wrong language. They just say,
I don’t want to date you - you’re boring.
You didn’t get the job because you don’t speak up enough.
You need to leave. Your questions are making the guests uncomfortable.
Perhaps, at some point in your life, a thought floated through your head...Isn’t it strange that I got books and books of alphabets, but no primer on speaking with others?
Welcome to The Relating Languages, your translator to the secret scripts of connection.
I’m your guide, Ari Winters. I’ve been fascinated by people for as long as I can remember. After teaching communication and leadership skills for ten years, I started noticing a trend in why some people got along and others just didn’t. I began uncovering and then researching a map for the secret languages that frame our expectations and preferences in family, friend, or romantic relationship.
The Relating Languages changed the way I see the world as a teacher, a facilitator, a leader and CEO - not to mention a daughter, partner, and friend. They have helped me mediate conflicts, make new friends, and connect even with people I don't understand.
A question my students often ask me is, Why is it so hard to connect? The answers to this question can be heard in our questions, stories, requests, and listening. They can be seen in how we expect others to initiate or to respond, how much focus we put on ourselves versus on others, how we change in situations of stress versus safety.
They are different languages and dialects of communication, as complex and as comprehensible as any other tongue.
They are the Relating Languages - the key to understanding anyone, to finding “our tribe”, and to deciphering the secret language of all human beings.
1

THE MAP
EXPLAINED
(don't worry, it will make sense as we continue)
2

THE
QUESTIONING
LANGUAGE
Conversation is like an archeological dig. I always discover buried treasure.
- C.P.
What do you think this is? What can you do with it? What was that like for you? Why? Can you tell me more?
When speaking the Questioning language, you lead with your curiosity. You want both breadth and depth from the conversation, even if you have to dig for it. It doesn't seem worth talking to a person unless you can learn something new, about the world or about them.
You enjoy both asking and being asked questions, so it can be hard for you to understand others’ desire for privacy. You sometimes overwhelm them with how much you want to know.
Your questions may be either personal or topical. You can get curious about who someone is and how they think, see, feel, or relate to the world. You can also get curious about the weather, politics, or someone's area of focus. Or, you can ask questions about the relationship between you.
When in this mode, you may worry about over-sharing. You can get frustrated when others don’t ask questions back, as you won’t talk much about yourself unless you feel their curiosity.
Your attention can make you a delightful friend, a relentless interpersonal researcher, or an ally in seeking to discover the world.
curious focused interested
6

SUPERPOWERS
Gathering information
Understanding and synthesizing logistical, personal, and interpersonal information
Making others feel cared about and important
Starting conversations Keeping engagement going
Distributing conversational attention so that everyone else gets to speak
SHADOWS
Intruding on others’ personal boundaries
Needing or demanding information to feel safe
Creating one-sided interactions
Getting stuck in conversation with over- sharerers
Struggling to set boundaries when others get attached to their attention and validation
IDEAL CAREERS
COACH | THERAPIST | SCIENTIST | ACADEMIC | NURSE | FOUNDER | POLITICIAN
7

QUESTIONING
TENDENCIES
Asking directly for information Seeking high relational engagement Waiting to be asked before sharing about self Checking in on the connection or relationship Asking discontiguous questions Intense focus when interested
CATCHPHRASES
“HOW ARE YOU, REALLY?”
“HOW ARE YOUR KIDS/ WORK/ VACATION/ OTHER DETAILS I’VE REMEMBERED?”
“I’VE BEEN WONDERING...” “WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT [X]?”
8

QUESTIONING
MOTIVATIONS
Questioning is the best skill for gathering verbal information about the world, other people, and/or oneself.
You may question for several reasons:
Fascination about the world and a desire to understand it Searching for safety through understanding others and/or your environment
Seeking to feel personally engaged in a conversation
Wanting to gain verbal intimacy with others
Teaching through Socratic questioning
Looking to discover or co-explore new ideas or experiences Giving attention in order to later receive it yourself
Questioning is a good social strategy - others enjoy being asked about themselves - so many use this language in order to gain acceptance.
Questioning can also maintain an equality of sharing in conversation. To quote one woman: “I really get worried about boring people or over- sharing. When I’m sharing, I have this internal clock that’s ticking. When it says I’ve been talking long enough, I ask a question.”
9

NEED TO KNOW
about Relating Languages
3.
Every Relating Language contains two sub-types, or Dialects. These lie on a spectrum. Too far towards either end is unbalanced.
The Internal Dialect, at the bottom of the diagram, is more self- focused. Although being connected to oneself is essential, getting stuck in this Dialect can make you unaware or disconnected from others.
The External Dialect, at the outer edge of the diagram, is more other-focused. This can make others feel cared about and special, but you can lose touch with your own truth or needs in the process.
Towards the middle of each spectrum is a Balanced Dialect, a relational focus where you can maintain attention on both yourself and others while speaking. This tends to offer the best social results, and is one goal of development in the Relating Languages.
Your motivations and responses may be very different depending on which Dialect you are speaking at any given time.
Languages have Dialects.
10

QUESTIONING
DIALECTS
INTERROGATING
Internal Focus
I will ask questions until I get the knowledge I need
Others sometimes see my curiosity as nosy or intrusive
My curiosity is mostly self- motivated, from what I am personally interested in
Sometimes I have to remind myself to slow my questions down
I like to build and test mental models of how people and the world work.
SERVING
External Focus
People seem to feel very open and comfortable around me
I really want other people to feel seen and understood by me
I like the social validation that comes from being a spaceholder
I can lose myself in the other person and forget my own needs or desires
Relationships sometimes feel one- sided, with me taking up less space than others.
INVITING
Balanced Focus
I use questions as a way to get to know others and check my own assumptions about the world
I gauge others' level of interest or comfort in my questions, and adjust to different topics or depths as needed
I guide my questions to keep conversations inclusive and interesting.
11

The
INTERROGATING QUESTIONER
Always be distrustful of anybody who says to you, "I have found the answer." Those people should
immediately be cast aside, because they have lost their curiosity.
- Bessel van der Kolk
The more internally-focused Dialect of Questioning is Interrogating. When you're in this mode, you may find yourself obsessed with understanding the world. You ask questions to dissect how things work and build accurate internal models: “What can I expect from you, or from myself? What information will help me better predict that? Why?"
While this can be a genuinely curious act, people often start Interrogating when they want to assess the motivations, personality, and ultimate safety of the person or world they are talking to. Your curiosity may be genuine, but you don't have much room for people who don't want to satisfy it.
To relate well with a someone who has started Interrogating, be open to their curiosity. If you feel overwhelmed, you can pause and ask for a change: “Can I ask you some questions about yourself?” or “Can we change the topic? I’m interested in x...” This will usually be received well even if you have to interrupt to do it.
One fantastic way to interact with this Dialect is to bring its speakers new information when you discover something interesting. They will be happy to help you explore it, and their curiosity will be a gift to your understanding.
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The
INTERROGATING
Questioner's Tale
8
Roberta has a gift in creating connections with people anywhere. Even with strangers on the plane, she’ll have them talking within minutes in response to her constant curiosity. She loves understanding what people do, why they do it, how they work, what ideas they have, why they came up with those ideas, do they want to hear her ideas about their ideas, and also do they want to go out for a drink later because now the plane has landed?
Roberta is an actual scientist - an epidemiologist and public health researcher - and her curiosity has served her well in this field. She's made her career on asking the questions nobody else will, from every possible angle, often again and again until something new emerges.
One reason Roberta’s curiosity works so well is that she doesn’t always notice normal social conventions. As a self-oriented type, she will ask questions without feeling out what type the other person is, or what is “appropriate” in that situation.
Most people love talking about themselves, so it’s rare that she gets a cold shoulder. However, many take interactions with her in doses - the laser-focus of her curiosity and the new ideas she raises require a recovery period afterwards.
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THE INTERROGATING GROWTH PATH
The goal, when in this Internally-focused mode, is to move towards a more balanced expression by extending your attention outside of yourself. For Interrogating, this means paying attention to the effect your questions have on others.
Practices
Notice your motivations
Are you asking because you’re interested? Bored? Anxious? Make sure that you’re choosing to be curious. If you’re asking in response to discomfort, pause first and ask yourself what interaction you want here.
Practice attentive curiosity
Watch how others nonverbally respond to the questions you ask. Do they lean in and speak with passion, or sit back and frown? If you have a hard time reading their reactions, you may want to occasionally ask, “I know I ask a lot of questions. Is this pace okay for you?”
Follow a thread
If you have a lot of curiosity, your questions may seem scattershot. Pick something that the other person seems interested to talk about as well, and focus your questions on that topic for several minutes at a time.
Slow down
Leave a little space between your questions. Even if you have another on your tongue, wait to see what the other person will say. Some topics and truths never emerge unless others have silence to contemplate them.
14

The
SERVING
QUESTIONER
People reveal things to me and confide in me more deeply and quickly “than ever before” in their life.
- M.B.
Serving is the more externally-oriented Dialect of Questioning. When in this mode, your attention and questions are aimed at helping others feel seen and understood. You want to learn about them, and maybe even lose yourself in their world.
Sometimes this can show up as open-ended curiosity, asking “can you tell me more?” or “what’s that like for you?”
Or, you might start interactions with an interesting prompt, such as “what are you passionate about?”, "who do you want to be when you grow up?", and “what’s on your mind these days?”
Or, your questions might have a goal of offering insight - “why does this decision matter to you?” or “how do you see that situation?”
When Serving, you are paying close attention to the other person's needs and motivations, or the needs of the group/space as a whole. In doing so, you may lose track of whatever desires you yourself have going in. While being of service can make you valuable to a group and thus socially safe, it can have negative effects in the long term when your needs come back into play.
Frequent Servers tend to gather close and loyal community. Although many people may want to partake in your attention, you need to know who your inner circle is. Otherwise, you can get drained and diffused by trying to care too much at once.
15

SERVING
The
Questioner's Tale
I first met Megan when she had just arrived in town, and she quickly decided that I was one of her people. Like many Serving-focused individuals I’ve met, she is deeply loyal, so we’ve been friends ever since.
Being one of Megan’s people is a delightful experience. She is the only friend I’ll stay in touch with regularly while on trips, and she’ll check in if she doesn’t hear from me. She remembers what is happening in my life, and genuinely wants to know how I’m doing any time I get in touch.
Megan challenges me to receive more without needing to ‘deserve it’. She is also fierce about knowing what is true in my life: she is always looking for the deeper and more honest cut, often helping me discover that for myself through her attention.
Megan struggled for a long time to find her ideal job. She knows that she works best as a support to other people, but didn’t want to continue the exhausting nursing career she started out in.
After several years of searching and creation, she has found herself in several Serving roles that feel like a better fit for her personality. She works in couples’ coaching, consults and facilitates womens’ groups, and helps a startup by bringing insightful questions to its founders.
16

THE SERVING GROWTH PATH
The goal when in this External/Relational mode is to move towards balance by centering your attention more within yourself. For the Serving Questioner, this means finding themself in their curiosity, and sharing more on a personal level in order to help others feel a sense of connection.
Practices
Talk about yourself
...even when the other person hasn’t asked a question. Even when you think you’re being boring, rude, or oversharing. If you never talk about yourself or your experiences, you’re asking a lot of vulnerability from the other person without them getting to know you as well.
Share withholds
Making others feel comfortable and seen can often come at the expense of your own safety. If you feel like something is off in a connection, share a “withhold”: an unspoken dynamic in your relationship. “Can I share a withhold with you? Something I’m noticing is...what’s your experience of that?” This kind of relational curiosity can open up space for a back-and- forth, creating clarity and openness in that connection.
Be selfish about your friends
Externally-focused individuals like you are delightful companions. It’s easy for others to fall in love, or pull on your attention as the validation they rarely receive. Make sure you choose friends who give you energy back. It’s okay to say no.
17

The
EXPLORING
QUESTIONER
It’s hard for me to deal with when people have an apparent lack of interest in others’ experiences.
- T.H.
In Balanced Questioning mode, which we call Exploring, you have the ability to move your attention between your own curiosity and others’ interests. You can assess and intervene depending on where you, or the conversation as a whole, needs more juice. Often, this is a skill that you develop over time - the ability to both find the thread of others’ curiosity, and prompt with topics that you yourself wonder about.
Exploring is a useful skill to develop because, as one speaker says, “Questions are a form of power.” With a good balance between accessing your own curiosity and finding what others want to talk about, you can get just about anyone talking.
When in this mode, you may not proactively reveal much about yourself. But, you avoid the Serving trap of seeming evasive, and the Interrogating trap of seeming unaware.
You are selfish enough with your questions that listeners don’t have to worry about a hidden need for attention. And, you are attuned enough to others’ reactions that you can adapt your curiosity to the topics and depth that your subject(s) prefer.
18

EXPLORING
The
Questioner's Tale
Jordan has made a life out of curiosity. He is one of the world’s premier instructors in a relational practice called Circling, where a group places attention on an individual to get curious about their reality (and for the group to share their own reactions and responses being with this person, or with each other).
Jordan is a successful circler because his curiosity freely ranges between intuitive interest, personal desire to know, and insightful tracking of where a question will open up something new for the other.
In his own life, it’s taken Jordan some work to establish boundaries. His desire to make others comfortable and seen stood in the way of him finding more personal needs. However, he developed a consistent practice of following his impulses and intuitions, and has gained a deep understanding of what feels true.
He is committed to finding what is most real, most compassionate, and most fun in each moment. He has gathered a following that ranges across the world, and inspires others to their own self-expression and curiosity. Jordan is currently fascinated following the journey of fatherhood, finding wonder in each moment of seeing his son grow up.
19

RELATING WITH THE
QUESTIONING
Those in the Questioning mode will always have more things to ask. While this attention can be pleasurable for you, your Questioner may feel subtly resentful if you don’t turn attention on them in return.
Especially if you tend towards the Expressive languages (Storytelling or Challenging), pay attention to how many questions you are answering versus asking. If there’s a large imbalance, ask a question, even if you have to not answer something you yourself have just been asked. “How are you doing right now?” or “What do you think about [topic we've been discussing]?” are good staples if you’re lost for what to say.
When someone is Questioning you, try to be honest and forthright with your answers. Questioning is a tool for exploring the world and developing intimacy. If you lie or respond with dismissiveness, the person asking receives inaccurate (or no) information. You can always say "I'd prefer not to answer that" if you receive a question you don't want.
If you have a Storytelling orientation, speak as succinctly as you can, and leave space for questions. For curious folks, having someone else define the entire direction of the conversation can leave them resentful and bored.
QUESTION-FRIENDLY ACTIVITIES
CIRCLING OPEN DISCUSSION
QUESTION CARDS
PARTIES DEBRIEFS WOMENS' GROUPS
Q&AS
ATTENDING TALKS
LANGUAGE
20

THE BAD DATE
A Questioning Story
My friend Meg loves getting to know other people. She’ll ask questions all day long, interjecting light comments and observations that invite you to open up even more. She’s a coach and a community leader who is great at making friends.
Like many who prefer Questioning, however, Meg does not love becoming a captive audience.
A couple of months ago, Meg went on a date. She’s been looking for her perfect partner: someone equally curious about themselves and the world, playful and self-aware.
This guy was...not a fit.
Her date spent most of their meal talking about himself. He gave long- winded stories and information, taking any question and spinning it out into five minutes, ten, fifteen. Meg was frustrated. Was he never going to ask her ANY questions about herself?
Then, she had a lightbulb moment. She knew about the Relating Languages. If this guy thought Storytelling - an Expressive language - was the best form of first-date interaction, he was never going to turn the attention back to her. She would need to break into this monologue and change her own way of relating.
So, Meg did just that. She started interrupting. She volunteered stories of her own, gave personal information without being asked, and acted in a way that she generally considered rude. She broke her own social norms so that the evening wouldn't be a waste.
With this more deliberate back-and-forth, the date started picking up. When Meg spoke, the guy did actually seem to listen. He often interrupted to share his own experience. But, he was willing to cede the floor when she responded with a story of her own.
He wasn’t second-date material. However, Meg had just turned a boring meal into a very interesting night.
21

QUESTIONING
LANGUAGE
INTERACTIONS
22

QUESTIONI+NG OBSERVING
friend level
The acts of Questioning and Observing can be complimentary, as both are Receptive types and enjoy curiousity and vulnerability. However, Questioning's Interactive nature can conflict with the Observing desire for slowness and space.
If you enjoy other-focused Serving, you may like the chance to slow down and have a mutual, present-moment interaction with someone Observing. If you prefer the Interrogating or Exploring modes, however, you may struggle to get the level of interaction you want. As one speaker says, “I’ve noticed with my partner, as a Questioner and them being the more quiet and subdued type, I have felt like they don’t want to share or don’t want me to know about them. I often wonder how to ask in ways that open them up."
Interaction Suggestions:
1. 2.
3. 4.
Make it easy for the other person to answer your questions. Ask clearly, simply, and directly about interests and preferences. Find topics your Observing-focused friends can enjoy talking about without strain.
Give the other person some time to contemplate. With my fiancee, who prefers more silence and slowness than I do, I will send him questions in the morning for response in the evening. Or, I tell him it’s fine to think on something I ask, and I check in on the topic again a day or two later.
Calibrate to the interaction. Ask relational questions: What are you feeling in connection with me? Am I asking questions too quickly? Would you prefer silence, or interaction? A delightful feature about those who prefer Observing is that they will usually take time to answer these queries honestly, instead of rushing to reassure the person asking questions.
Talk more about yourself and topics that interest you. It's often easier for someone Observing to find a piece of information to respond or listen to, than generate one themselves.
23

QUESTION+ING STORYTELLING
friend level
The Questioning and Storytelling languages expect a different cadence from conversation. You ask a question, expecting to open a back-and-forth. The other person takes the question and runs with it for five minutes, ten, twenty; meanwhile you're going um and ah, trying and failing to get a word in edgewise. The Receptive Questioning language does not have many tools for interrupting.
One difficulty between these languages comes from the fact that those who prefer Storytelling expect others to volunteer information about themselves, and those who were raised Questioning expect that others will ask if they want to know. You can feel like others aren't interested in getting to know you, even when they are just waiting for you to take a turn and share.
Interaction Suggestions:
1. 2.
3.
Be willing to Storytell. When your friend or partner shares about their day, respond with details about your own, even if you’re not as practiced in the telling. Be aware that you may get interrupted - those in Storytelling mode can treat conversations like a baton-pass, and they may steal the baton if they think they have a better story to tell. Try not to take it personally; just keep trading stories. Eventually, you’ll find a cadence that both of you like.
Make a direct ask. If you want to change the attention to yourself, but don’t want to have to fight for it, Direct the conversation with a request: “Can I tell you about an idea I had?” “I’d love to tell you about my day, too. Do you want to hear?”
Interrupt. If you’re engaging with a Informing (Internally-Focused) Storyteller, you may find it hard to get a word in edgewise enough to share about yourself or ask for space. Talk over the Storyteller until they stop, or say, “Can I interrupt for a moment? What I’m really interested to know about you is...” As long as you show genuine engagement, you can often keep interrupting and asking until you’re interested in what they say.
24

4.
5.
Ask a general question. In a group, if someone begins telling stories or talking about a topic at length, find something in their conversation that feels potentially relatable to everyone. Ask a general question based on that after they finish. “I’m curious what everyone else’s weird hobbies are?” or “I’m really curious if anyone else has an opinion on [topic the person mentioned]?”
Take a pause. If you don’t like the conversation and can’t find a way to change it, find a reason to excuse yourself - to get a drink, to go to the bathroom, to take a walk. Once the flow has been broken, you can come back later and start a topic of your own.
25

QUESTIONIN+G DIRECTING
friend level
Directing and Questioning are both Interactive languages. You have a mutual capacity to move conversations along and increase engagement in a group. You also both excel at gathering information about the world, Questioning from asking about it and Directing from testing it.
However, when Questioning, you want to explore things deeply. Directing wants to move them along. This can create tension, with each of you pulling towards a different pace and value. To resolve this, you need to appreciate each other's gifts. Directing can create the aliveness that you enjoy, and you can give Directors the consideration that they sometimes lack.
Interaction Suggestions:
1.
2.
3.
Ask for more information. If you've gotten a direction and you don't feel clear on what you're supposed to do, why it's important, or why you should be the one to do it, use your Questioning superpowers! Get curious about the actions and especially the motivations for the request or command, so that you can feel more fully enrolled. For instance, if your Director counterpart says, "Would you take out the trash?" (a request framed as a question), you could ask "Is there a reason you want me to do this now? Or could I do it in 10 minutes when I finish what I'm working on?"
Just do it. When you're stuck in the tension of wanting more information before taking an action, frame it as an experiment. Tell the Director, "I'm going to try this, but might stop or ask for more information if I get stuck."
Assume that there will always be space to debrief or re-negotiate later.
Be willing to speak up. If you get a Direction that seems like it bypasses important information or the needs of others in the room, speak up and ask a question about that. "It seems like this plan will put us 3 months behind our timeline - is that your understanding of it?" Your willingness to check these assumptions will help reveal truth, and equalize power.
26

QUESTION+ING QUESTIONING
friend level
If you find someone who likes Questioning as much as you do, you're in for a treat. You can trade curiosity all day and play hot potato with the attention. You'll usually go back and forth trying to give the floor to each other, while secretly enjoying having the chance to talk when the attention lands on you.
People who like this language often become close friends.
Interaction Suggestions:
Not really needed with this pairing, as they naturally get along. Keep doing what you do!
27

WHAT'S
NEXT?
Congratulations! You now understand more about one of your Relating Languages, and how you can best interact with others in it.
So, how do you USE this information?
Homework
Your homework is to have a conversation with someone in your life who you struggle to connect with.
Tell them about your Relating Language, and ask for the kind of interaction that would help you bring out your full Questioning brilliance in that relationship. Stay attuned to the languages you think THEY use more, and use the Interaction Suggestions for those languages if you get stuck.
Coaching + Programs
We work with individuals, couples, and organizations of all types to help you synchronize your Relating Languages for love, creativity, and productivity. Learn to use your Superpowers and avoid your Shadows, and develop the capacity to
speak every language!
Contact us at [email protected] to talk.
28

BONUS
HOT SEAT GAME
Play this Authentic Relating Game with others in your life, to bring them effortlessly into the world of Questioning.
This game works best with 3-7 participants.
Instructions for Playing
Designate a chair as the “hot seat.”
Folks can volunteer to sit on the Hot Seat, and choose their desired level of intensity (mild, medium, or spicy). The rest of the group asks probing questions of the person on the Hot Seat, with depth / intensity according to the level of spiciness.
If the person on the Hot Seat doesn't want to answer a question, they can pass that one. They don't need to explain why.
Time this game for 5 minutes each person - or, let it go organically until the energy starts to fade. Make sure you have a designated "facilitator" who can call the end of each person's round.
Optionally, end the round by inviting the group to share impact (what they felt) and/or appreciations with the focus.
The person on the Hot Seat chooses who will go next!
THE
Attribution: Hot Seat dates back to Vic Baranco and the Morehouse Community in the 1970s. This version comes from Authentic World.
29

AUTHENTIC REVOLUTION
THE RELATING
LANGUAGES:
STORYTELLING

WHAT ARE THE
RELATING LANGUAGES?
Imagine that you live in a city where there are four different languages being spoken, and you are expected to understand every one without being taught it.
Imagine that no one tells you if you’re using the wrong language. They just say,
I don’t want to date you - you’re boring.
You didn’t get the job because you don’t speak up enough.
You need to leave. Your questions are making the guests uncomfortable.
Perhaps, at some point in your life, a thought floated through your head...Isn’t it strange that I got books and books of alphabets, but no primer on speaking with others?
Welcome to The Relating Languages, your translator to the secret scripts of connection.
I’m your guide, Ari Winters. I’ve been fascinated by people for as long as I can remember. After teaching communication and leadership skills for ten years, I started noticing a trend in why some people got along and others just didn’t. I began uncovering and then researching a map for the secret languages that frame our expectations and preferences in family, friend, or romantic relationship.
The Relating Languages changed the way I see the world as a teacher, a facilitator, a leader and CEO - not to mention a daughter, partner, and friend. They have helped me mediate conflicts, make new friends, and connect even with people I don't understand.
A question my students often ask me is, Why is it so hard to connect? The answers to this question can be heard in our questions, stories, requests, and listening. They can be seen in how we expect others to initiate or to respond, how much focus we put on ourselves versus on others, how we change in situations of stress versus safety.
They are different languages and dialects of communication, as complex and as comprehensible as any other tongue.
They are the Relating Languages - the key to understanding anyone, to finding “our tribe”, and to deciphering the secret language of all human beings.
1

THE MAP
EXPLAINED
(don't worry, it will make sense as we continue)
2

THE EXPRESSIVE LANGUAGES
STORYTELLING
INFORMING
Gives information and experience to offer value. Focuses on completion and
clarity. Can over-expound and lose listeners.
PERFORMING
Gives information and experience to be valued. Focused on reactions. Easily
distracted from their point if others disagree.
CONVEYING
Gives information and experience to create value.
Enjoys getting ideas across with clarity and engagement from listeners. Responds fluidly to interruptions.
DIRECTING
COMMANDING
Directs to get their needs met. Takes charge of a situation or conversation in order to get what they want done.
SUGGESTING
Directs to elicit others' needs.
Makes veiled requests to get their needs across without stepping on others' toes
CONDUCTING
Directs to get everyone's needs met.
Clarifies the situation and creates actions that move us towards a communal goal.
4

THE
STORYTELLING
LANGUAGE
“Our stories are how we make meaning,
and in telling and sharing those stories, we find connection
with each other.”
- Ryan S.
The Storytelling language is the best Relating Language for delivering personal or topical information. It can make you the life of the party and provide a magical sense of immersion. But, it can be frustrating for those who strain to get a word in edgewise.
Storytelling includes the whole category of invented, personal, or informational stories - everything from your response to “How was your day?” to a recap of the latest sportsball game, or an explanation of particle physics. These are the stories we tell about ourselves and about the world.
When Storytelling, you paint a picture of the moment or topic, and often want to get it complete before others interrupt. You rely on the listener giving you cues for whether or not they’re interested. Sometimes you want to relate a topic that is interesting or exciting to you; sometimes, you want to provide a spark that others can play off of.
You often act as the social "glue", holding a conversation or group together by filling the space, or reminding an existing group of shared moments they've had. But, you have to be wary that your glue doesn't turn into a quicksand of words, from which others cannot escape.
verbose expressive informed
6

SUPERPOWERS
Entertaining
Providing topics and opportunities for others to share about themselves and their interests
Teaching / delivering information
Remembering details and chronology
SHADOWS
Controlling the conversation Giving unsolicited advice Demanding attention Monologuing / over-talking Performing
Spinning the story in their favor
IDEAL CAREERS
TEACHER | SPEAKER | LAWYER | WRITER | JOURNALIST |
PUNDIT
7

STORYTELLING
TENDENCIES
Talking at length
Giving the whole story Interrupting and/or overlapping others' speech Offering knowledge on specific topics Capturing the attention
CATCHPHRASES
"LET ME EXPLAIN" “HAVE YOU HEARD?”
“REMEMBER WHEN WE...?”
“I WANT TO TELL YOU ABOUT...”
8

STORYTELLING
MOTIVATIONS
Storytelling is a skill for creating entertainment, engagement, and fulfilling a need for attention.
You may Storytell in order to:
Make yourself understood Fill space in conversation Teach a concept
Avoid anxiety
Hold the attention
Pass time together with others
Spark others' stories and topics of interest Provide value through giving advice
The Storytelling language allows you to get and keep others’ attention. Attention is a form of validation. It is also a form of power. By controlling the conversation, you are able to guide in a direction that interests you.
If your motivation is to avoid anxiety or to process your thoughts through speaking a lot, this power can be frustrating to others' agency. But, if you stay responsive to your audience, you can provide fodder for them to bring their interests and emotions forth as well.
“People become Storytellers to transmit energy; to manage their own emotions; to bring up deeper layers and bring something into being - the layers, the breadth and
depth all in one.”
9

NEED TO KNOW
about Relating Languages
3.
Every Relating Language contains two sub-types, or Dialects.
These lie on a spectrum, not a binary - few people are entirely at either end.
The Internal Dialect, at the center of the diagram, is more Individual. The speaker has more of their attention on themselves when they're engaging. At best, this is self-aware and grounded. At worst, it is removed and narcissistic, lost in the self.
The External Dialect, at the outer edge of the diagram, is more Relational. The speaker has more of their attention on other person(s) when they're engaging. At best, this is empathetic and attuned. At worst, it is merged and codependent, lost in the other.
Towards the middle of each spectrum is a Balanced type expression, where the speaker can maintain attention on both themselves and others. This tends to offer the best social results, and is one goal of development in the Relating Languages.
A speaker's motivations and responses may be very different depending on where on the attention spectrum they are right then.
Languages have Dialects.
10

STORYTELLING
DIALECTS
INFORMING
Internal Focus
I want other people to fully understand my point of view
It’s important to me to get the facts right
I can be either abrupt or long- winded
I'm more of an external processor
I find safety in getting my point across.
PERFORMING
External Focus
I carefully track others' reactions to what I'm saying
If the other person doesn't seem engaged, I can lose my train of thought
I will change my story if it's not having the desired effect
I find safety in being listened to with someone's full attention.
CONVEYING
Balanced Focus
I adapt the way I tell facts or stories based on others' reactions, verbal or nonverbal. It's important to me that others are engaged.
I like talking, but I won't fight for the attention if it's taken away. I incorporate interruptions or cede the floor to others if they want to contribute.
I use stories in part to draw others into conversation, and solicit their own stories or ideas.
11

The
INFORMING
STORYTELLER
“I do get annoyed by myself sometimes, at how I do not manage to tell a story or even share how I feel without going into a bigger context...I respond with all the
information I would want from another.”
- R.M.
Informing has a tough reputation. It is the dialect of over-talking, over-explaining, monologuing, and taking the attention. It is also the dialect of making yourself understood, telling the full story, and delivering helpful data.
You may use this dialect in order to talk through a thought or experience, and find the truth through external process. This is a useful strategy, as long as you have consent from your audience.
You may also Inform when you're passionate about a topic and want others to understand it as well, or when you want to relate something important about who you are. That's great - if the other person has asked for the information and/or seems engaged in it.
When relating with the Informing Dialect, you have to be direct about telling speakers when you've had enough or want a topic switch.
Wait for a pause or interrupt to take the conversation in a direction you’d enjoy more. Ask them about an aspect of what they were saying, or bring a different topic. “Actually, could you tell me about...” will be received much better than “I don’t want to hear about this again/right now.”
12

The
INFORMING
Storyteller's Tale
James doesn’t need questions to start talking about his work, partnerships, current model of the universe, or diet choice.
His word-engines start up any time there’s a break in the conversation. What he says is often interesting, but unless stopped he’ll reveal his thoughts, feelings, and contemplations until someone either interrupts or walks away.
Although James can be quite curious with new people, his “safety” type is Informing. His best relationships, he says, have been those in which his partner is fascinated by his talking and able to listen for a long time.
Whenever I meet up with James, I have to be ready for the kickoff 20 minute update on his life. I prefer interaction, so I often interrupt and ask a question or change the subject. James' first response is to get defensive. But, after a long friendship, we’ve both learned to shelve our annoyance and find a middle ground.
I’ll ask him questions. He’ll talk about himself, based on my curiosity. Then, like many Storytellers, once he’s finished what he wanted to say, he is often very open to hearing me as well.
13

THE INFORMING GROWTH PATH
The goal, when in this Internal/Individual mode, is to move towards a more balanced expression by extending your attention. For the Informing Dialect, this means focusing on others' reactions to your stories, and verbally or nonverbally checking in on what they want to hear more or less of.
Practices
Check in with yourself
Chronicling can come from an internal sense of anxiety or be used to cover other emotions. If you notice yourself babbling, focus on what you’re feeling. Try to pause and check in. This may be hard at first. But, it is often more honest, insightful, and engaging in the long term.
Check in with others
If you notice that you’ve been talking about a topic for more than two or three minutes, pause, and check if others are still engaged. It is more useful to ask “Would you like to hear more about this?” than “Are you still interested?” because of the social pressure to say yes to the latter.
Use your powers for good
Once you’ve told a story or given information, find a question you can ask of others that relates to what you’ve just said. “Has this ever happened to you?” is a good one, or “What is one of your interests?” if you’ve been talking about your own interests. Make sure to listen until they’ve finished speaking, instead of taking the attention back!
14

The
PERFORMING
STORYTELLER
“I share as a performance - a way of creating an experience for people, safety, and engagement. But if someone shares with me really openly, I love just being drawn into their world...I hate when people won’t tell me their stories. Give me the details! Let me get in there! That’s why, when someone asks me about my experience, I try to give a good story that is very detailed.”- P.W.B.
Performing Storytelling has an external focus. Whether you're giving a lecture or talking around a fire, when Performing, your attention is focused on how others are taking in your information. You may even alter or stop your story if others don't seem receptive.
If you're proficient in this Dialect, you can be wonderfully entertaining or informing. Performers can often be found at the center of a social group. But, others may struggle to find you within your words, or get frustrated at how much what you're saying changes based on their input.
One downside of Performing is the tendency to give unsolicited advice. Whatever issue someone is facing, you want to help by explaining what you know! You may offer this without checking on how much others want to know - or whether they want advice at all.
To relate to a Performer, affirm your interest in what they're saying, especially if it has emotional content. Use Questioning to let them know you're listening and direct towards your areas of greatest interest. Help them relax their attention back into themselves, and you'll get a less filtered form of presentation.
Got unsolicited advice?
15

PERFORMING
Storyteller's Tale
I used to have dinner with Andrew and his partner Laurie about once a month. After we each checked in about our lives - mediated by Laurie, a natural Serving Questioner - Andrew would settle into some story for the next thirty or forty minutes, including our questions and comments into his narrative.
Sometimes his stories were about his past dancing and selling art on cruise ships. Sometimes they focused on his current career as an auctioneer (a perfect choice for a good Performer!). They included moments, characters, and choices that he'd found funny or interesting. Although he had obviously told these stories many times, they still felt fresh, because he catered his tale to our questions and responses.
Andrew was more of an experiential than an informational Performer, so he rarely tried to teach us facts. But, if asked, he could deliver a wealth of information on any topic he knew about, in a way I always wanted to listen to.
I am often aware of the balance of conversation and facilitate ways for everyone to speak. But I rarely felt a desire to stop Andrew from talking. His light and inclusive tone of voice, expressive face, and willingness to laugh with us made his tales a delightful experience that the whole group could enjoy. I remember many of his stories vividly to this day.
The
16

THE PERFORMING GROWTH PATH
The goal when in this External/Relational mode is to move towards balance by centering your attention more within yourself. In Performing, you can lose track of your own feelings or desires, and that of your closest companions. Your growth path is to make space for more of yourself and others to emerge.
Practices
Self-soothe
You may find yourself Performing if you aren't sure that others want to listen, or you're uncertain of your own value. If you're changing your story or stumbling over your words, pause and check in with yourself. What do you want in this situation? What will be the best strategy for getting there, and enjoying yourself along the way?
Don't lose your loved ones
As a Performer, you can easily mistake all people for The Audience. Remember that your partner(s) and/or close friends have probably heard your stories before, and they can get sidelined in conversation when you’re performing. Notice their level of interest and engagement, and let someone else talk for a while if they look bored.
Allow the unknown
You can be so good at entertaining others that it’s hard to drop the story, and be in the places where you don’t know what to do or say. Growth happens in the fertile unknown. When you feel stuck, try searching for what is real here and now, and find the story of that - even if you have to Inform about your experience to get there.
17

The
CONVEYING
STORYTELLER
"I feel I pay more attention now than ever to where listeners are at. Attunement has been a learned skill for me and I have room to improve and grow this skill even more."
- T.M.
Balanced Storytelling is the art of expressive engagement.
You use your stories as a way to draw others into conversation. Although you like having a good finale, teaching accurately, and/or painting a picture of events, your stories are not just information or entertainment.
You convey experiences or pieces of information that you think others will be able to jump off of. You use these to prompt others into sharing more about themselves. To self-protective or cautious conversationalists, this is less threatening than being asked a direct question, because your openness feels like an investment in theirs.
While you enjoy telling stories, you aren’t attached to them. If you
get interrupted, you can pivot to include the new information, or even drop what you’re saying in order to listen. But, if it's important, you'll return to what you wanted to say.
Those who practice Conveying can be a font of amusement, engagement, and information, without losing your listeners or yourself in the process.
18

CONVEYING
Storyteller's Tale
Valentine is a math teacher turned experiential researcher of cognitive biases. He teaches how to reconfigure the stories we tell ourselves.
When I’m meeting up with Val for coffee or a conversation, I know to reserve several hours for the encounter. There are no hour-long lunches with him. He is endlessly fascinated, a natural teacher and learner. As soon as we find a good topic, his eyes light up, and he is off on an explanation of quantum physics or hermeneutics or his recent explorations in consciousness.
With many people, this Storytelling would be hard to follow. But, Val has a natural way of staying attuned to his listener and conveying the heart of what he wants to say.
He checks in on what knowledge I already have on the topic before explaining. He responds to questions and interruptions with excitement and a willingness to change direction, without losing his train of thought. He dances with the conversation, leading but responding to how I want to follow.
The
If only everyone had a teacher like that!
19

RELATING WITH THE
STORYTELLING
LANGUAGE
Because of how ready they are to talk, those in the Storytelling mode may seem like they’re not interested in what others have to say. You may assume that this person’s need for attention will own the conversation no matter what you try. However, many speakers are just waiting for you to step in and volunteer your own information.
Storytellers tend to take engage-
ment as a gift, because then they
know if and how their listener is
relating to them. Ask questions,
share observations, direct towards
new options for their story, or
respond with a story of your own.
Often, the Storyteller will feel self-
conscious about talking too much,
but keep repeating themselves until
some response from the listener tells them that they've been heard.
Especially when you feel an underlying anxiety to the stories, touch can be helpful to ground your Storytelling friend or partner.
STORY-FRIENDLY ACTIVITIES
ROAD TRIPS DEBATING
JOKING AND BANTERING HAVING DRINKS TEACHING DINNER PARTIES
NETWORKING TOASTMASTERS
20

MISSING THE POINT
A Storytelling Story
It was the first training of its kind in Austin. I was teaching with my best friend Jordan, and I really wanted it to go well. The problem was, people kept talking.
They were supposed to. Just not this much! The training was in a communication practice called Circling. Circling is about being with what is true in the moment as much as it is about dissecting that truth. Too many words can get in the way of being with.
One man in particular was a problem for me. Riley seemed to find his truth by going around it, peering in its windows and stomping the mud off his metaphorical boots, before finally letting us into what he really felt. When he talked, other people stopped listening.
We were perhaps two weekends into the six-weekend course when our co-facilitator, Blas, took things into his own hands.
Someone had asked Riley a question, and he was meandering his way through the thickets of explaining his perspective, sensations, and experience. A few seconds into that, Blas leaned forward. With genuine care and curiosity - with all the love in the world - he addressed Riley from the Directing language:
“Can you get to the point, and just say that?”
The whole room paused, shocked. Then, beginning with Riley, we all roared with laughter. It was such a perfect lampooning of what I now know as Informing, the self-focused form of Storytelling.
After we had wiped the tears from our eyes, Riley thought for a moment. Then, simply and clearly, he got to the point.
Thereafter, whenever he meandered, we had a catchphrase we could use to cut through it.
“Riley. Can you get to the point, and just say that?”
21

STORYTELLING
LANGUAGE
INTERACTIONS
22

STORYTELL+ING QUESTIONING
compatibility
When Storytelling, you’ll usually find Questioners to be enjoyable conversational companions. They provide a ready audience for your tales, interested and willing to ask for more.
However, you can jeopardize your longer-term relationship with Questioning friends or colleagues by never checking on their actual level of interest. Use your awareness of body language, and verbal check-ins, to make sure that their questions are not a polite default to hide a lack of engagement.
Interaction Suggestions:
1.
2.
When in doubt, check in Receptively. If you feel like your conversational counterparts are losing interest, switch to Observing in order to name it (“It seems like y’all have had enough of this topic - is that correct?”), or Questioning to shift direction (“Is there anything you want to hear more about?” “What do you think? Any impacts or ideas of yours you want to share?”). Using a Receptive language, even for just a sentence, can help re- balance the conversation, and keep you from fruitlessly worrying about others' actual level of interest.
Play to your audience. Even Questioning types can be drawn in by a good enough story. Watch your audience’s reactions, noticing where they seem to gain or lose interest. Try to bring in topics you think they’ll enjoy or understand. Give them something intriguing to ask questions about, and they will feel like they got a lot of value from the conversation.
23

STORYTELL+ING OBSERVING
compatibility
Storytelling and Observing are two of the best-matched languages around. In Storytelling mode, it’s fun to tell a full story to an attentive listener. In Observing mode, conversely, you may enjoy receiving the experience of an account or an idea, and learning about others through interaction. Storytelling and Observing are both Didactic languages, unlike Questioning or Directing (which are Interactive). They are fine with a one-way exchange of information.
The languages can run into some friction when it comes to Performing or anxious Informing Storytellers, who want interaction from their listeners. However, you can always ask what the other person thinks about what you’re saying, instead of expecting them to volunteer a response. Just give the Observers a minute to consider - their language doesn’t speak as fast as yours.
Interaction Suggestions:
1. 2.
3.
Trust that the other person is listening. If they seem genuinely in Observing mode - enjoying taking in information and having someone else speak - it’s okay for you to talk. Practice slowing down and enjoying your own story.
Make time for your Observing friend to share. Invite them to comment on what they're experiencing in relation to the conversation, sharing impact or ideas, instead of expecting them to reciprocate by telling their own story.
Do a relational check-in. If you’re anxious about the conversational balance in a long-term relationship, talk with those in your life who tend towards Observing around you. Ask them, “How do you feel about the balance of conversation in our relationship - how much you speak versus how much I do? Does it work for you?” This kind of “relational check-in” may feel strange for you at first, but usually people are grateful for it!
24

STORYTELL+ING DIRECTING
compatibility
Storytelling and Directing are both Expressive languages. As such, they appreciate each other's willingness to speak up about their needs and desires. However, the Interactive nature of Directing can be at odds with Storytellers' Didactic desire to finish what they're saying.
When Storytelling, you usually won't appreciate someone coming in with a new idea, request, or demand. The conversation can turn into a power play as you try to complete your thought, and the Director tries to spin "You should...", "Can you," or "Why don't we..." into a different form of thought or interaction.
If you accept the interjection and play off of it, Directions can help you get to your point faster or see a new point of view. It's hard to stay open in the face of re-directs and challenges. But if you do, there is a lot of potential energy in that friction.
Interaction Suggestions:
1. 2.
3.
As much as you can, don’t take Directing comments personally. More often than not, they are meant to be helpful. The Director believes that they are helping you or the interaction along. If you respond negatively, the conversation may turn into an argument instead of a collaboration.
Be direct about your desire to not be Directed. If the Director tries to tell you what you should do, say "I don't actually want advice right now" or "Let me finish." Later, you can circle back around to the Director and say, "Was there something you wanted? I'm open to hearing it now."
Empathize with the motivation, but don't allow the behavior. If a Director keeps trying to cut in, say, "It seems like you want to be helpful here" or "It seems like you want something different to happen, is that true?" Use Observation and Questioning to name what you see and puncture the energy. Once you get feedback, you can address the Director's need.
25

STORYTELL+ING STORYTELLING
compatibility
Joint Storytelling is, in many cultures, considered the most valuable form of interaction. Being able to represent yourself clearly and entertainingly is a great dinner party (or tribal fireside) skill. When you get together with someone else who is skilled at Storytelling, you can be a powerful conversational force.
You and others who speak this language may find yourself trading experiences or teachings back and forth, even to the point of interrupting each other to tell what you think is a more interesting story.
Sometimes, especially with women, this type can get competitive with others of the same. Taking up conversational space is a power move. However, once you work out this dynamic, Storyteller pairs enjoy the chance to be chatty with each other without watching for whose turn it is to speak.
Interaction Suggestions:
1.
2.
Modify your expression. Storytelling with others is a great way to practice your range and skills. Play around with different types of stories - giving information you’ve learned, talking about your own experiences, reporting on how you feel right now - to see how it influences others’ stories in response. Especially if you have social power, others will only go as deep or broad as you do.
Don't fight for space. If you find yourself feeling competitive for talk time, remember to take a breath and relax. Your time will come. Making the conversation a competition introduces unnecessary tension, and loses the engaging flow that can make Storytelling such an enjoyable art.
26

WHAT'S
NEXT?
Congratulations! You now understand more about one of your Relating Languages, and how you can best interact with others in it.
So, how do you USE this information?
Homework
Your homework is to have a conversation with someone in your life who you struggle to connect with.
Tell them about your Relating Language, and ask for the kind of interaction that would help you bring out your full Storytelling brilliance in that relationship. Stay attuned to the languages you think THEY use more, and use the Interaction Suggestions for those languages if you get stuck.
Coaching + Programs
We work with individuals, couples, and organizations of all types to help you synchronize your Relating Languages for love, creativity, and productivity. Learn to use your Superpowers and avoid your Shadows, and develop the capacity to
speak every language!
Contact us at [email protected] to talk.
27

BONUS
THE "ONETIME"GAME
Play this Authentic Relating Game with others in your life, to bring them effortlessly into the world of Storytelling.
Creator Mike Blas says: "This is a fun story telling game with variable depth that can be affected by the context the leader gives. I like to play it at bars or social settings especially, and it seems to share the conversation bandwidth more evenly amongst the group."
Instructions for Playing
In this game, each person tells one-sentence-long TRUE stories that start with, ‘One time...’ Example: “One time I accidentally shot my neighbor’s dog in the leg with a bb gun.”
After the first share the person to the left (clockwise) tells a story that the first person’s story reminds them of (whether or not it seems connected to everyone else) and so on around through the group. Example: “One time my brother and I egged the neighbor’s house and got grounded for 2 months.”
Don't plan ahead, and keep the stories short (a few sentences). A rule we like is that you cannot share anything you thought of while someone else was speaking!
You can also share stories around a particular theme, ex. “Success”, “Fear”, “Stories I don’t tell my family”, etc.
28

AUTHENTIC REVOLUTION
THE RELATING
LANGUAGES:
OBSERVING

WHAT ARE THE
RELATING LANGUAGES?
Imagine that you live in a city where there are four different languages being spoken, and you are expected to understand every one without being taught it.
Imagine that no one tells you if you’re using the wrong language. They just say,
I don’t want to date you - you’re boring.
You didn’t get the job because you don’t speak up enough.
You need to leave. Your questions are making the guests uncomfortable.
Perhaps, at some point in your life, a thought floated through your head...Isn’t it strange that I got books and books of alphabets, but no primer on speaking with others?
Welcome to The Relating Languages, your translator to the secret scripts of connection.
I’m your guide, Ari Winters. I’ve been fascinated by people for as long as I can remember. After teaching communication and leadership skills for ten years, I started noticing a trend in why some people got along and others just didn’t. I began uncovering and then researching a map for the secret languages that frame our expectations and preferences in family, friend, or romantic relationship.
The Relating Languages changed the way I see the world as a teacher, a facilitator, a leader and CEO - not to mention a daughter, partner, and friend. They have helped me mediate conflicts, make new friends, and connect even with people I don't understand.
A question my students often ask me is, Why is it so hard to connect? The answers to this question can be heard in our questions, stories, requests, and listening. They can be seen in how we expect others to initiate or to respond, how much focus we put on ourselves versus on others, how we change in situations of stress versus safety.
They are different languages and dialects of communication, as complex and as comprehensible as any other tongue.
They are the Relating Languages - the key to understanding anyone, to finding “our tribe”, and to deciphering the secret language of all human beings.
1

THE MAP
EXPLAINED
(don't worry, it will make sense as we continue)
2

THE
OBSERVING
LANGUAGE
One person’s uncomfortable silence is another person’s
peace and quiet.
- Carrie R.
Observing is a language of receptivity and contemplation. It is what you use when there is space in the conversation, when someone else is speaking, when you want to take in new information, or make sure that you understand what has already been said.
Observing can include silence, reflection of another's words, sharing present-moment personal impact, or naming something you directly notice. When speaking this language, you don't usually contribute new information to the conversation. But, you can enhance or move along what is already there. You can summarize what hasn’t been spoken yet, or needs to be heard again.
Although you might feel like a wallflower or a witness, you can notice detail in your environment, thoughts, and emotions that gets passed over in other modes. This becomes information you can share with others, or use to better understand your own internal and external environment.
The dangers of this mode are getting frozen and self-conscious if you're too internally focused, or merged and unaware of your own desires if you're too externally focused. However, when you find ways to return to yourself, you can create a quiet space for you and others to enjoy - an oasis of simplicity in the center of a busy world.
quiet perceptive spacious
6

SUPERPOWERS
Perceiving unspoken truths, contexts, and perspectives in a group or conversation
Seeing and interpreting detail and complexity
Tracking emotional states and needs in themself and others
Creating space for others
Giving great listening and empathy
Noticing and championing those who have trouble speaking up
SHADOWS
Getting overwhelmed or frozen in social situations
Avoiding conflict in an attempt to preserve a good group “feel” (and, secretly, not be uncomfortable in their own high sensitivity)
Assuming that others are as comfortable in silence as they are
Seeming distant, detached, or disinterested
Processing responses and/or emotions slowly
IDEAL CAREERS
THERAPIST | COACH | TEACHER | PROGRAMMER | AU PAIR | ARTIST
NATURAL SCIENTIST | VETERINARIAN
7

OBSERVING
TENDENCIES
Remaining quiet in groups Taking time to consider before speaking Noticing details
Naming what they notice Finding space in silence Tracking social dynamics
CATCHPHRASES
“I'M FEELING...”
“I'M NOTICING THAT...”
“IT SEEMS/SOUNDS LIKE...” “MMM-HMM”
8

OBSERVING
MOTIVATIONS
Observing is a skill for creating space, slowness, safety, and inclusion.
You may Observe for a few reasons:
Dislike of speaking in groups
Uncertainty about the social norms and expectations
Having strong opinions and being afraid of saying them wrong, or angering someone with your honesty
Fear of overpowering others
Wanting to take a step back and get a wider perspective on the overall social or topical situation
Not having much to say
Tactically, Observing is often used for seeing the bigger picture. This language allows you to step back and take in many pieces of information, then draw them together in novel ways.
As with any Relating Language, there are no pure Observers. Anyone may begin using the language when one of these motivations, or
another that requires Observing more than Questioning, Storytelling, or Challenging, becomes relevant.
9

OBSERVING
DIALECTS
WITHDRAWING
Internal Focus
I can get overwhelmed and frozen in social situations
I’d rather not interact than risk saying something wrong
Sometimes I feel stuck inside my own head
I monitor and moderate my level of engagement to feel safe.
MERGING
External Focus
I'm very aware of social norms and undercurrents
I won't speak up if I think someone else has a better thing to say
I can be so aware of others that I lose myself
I find it easier to be part of a space than to contribute to it.
PARTAKING
Balanced Focus
I enjoy being a participant and watching or taking part, even if I'm in a leadership position
I will offer reflection or signs of attention if I think that will contribute positively to the conversation
If asked, I can share insights on what I notice in the group I am comfortable with silence
I find pleasure in slowness.
11

The
WITHDRAWING
OBSERVER
I want to fully understand the situation [before speaking], almost so that I don’t say something wrong... in class, we’d have conversations, and I’d feel like I had
nothing to say. Either someone else got to it first, or it wasn’t until later that it distilled into my awareness and connected with other things.
- K.R.
When in the Withdrawing Dialect, you may have a lot to say, but are not sure if you have all the information to speak up. You worry that you might not say things “right”, or that other people will want to hear. It is easy to get stuck in this mode and judge yourself for lacking the seeming social ease others have. In truth, most people fall into this language at some point or other!
Withdrawing can be a form of protection, or it can be a deliberate disconnection from the outside world in order to attune to your internal needs and desires. It is a superpower when you feel overwhelmed, sensitive, or uncertain how you want to engage.
When someone is Withdrawing, the best way to draw them out is to give them your full attention. Build a sense of psychological safety, such that they know they can express themselves without being negatively judged. Accept that they may not WANT to talk.
When those in this mode know you really want to hear them out, they may act like a dam released of its water, and share the often beautiful truths and insights hidden behind their silence.
12

The
WITHDRAWING
Observer's Tale
8
Micah had a strange childhood. His parents lived in a spiritual community, and he spent most of his days as a child being homeschooled and running wild in the woods. This solitary upbringing left him with a deep reverence for nature, an understanding of cats, and more comfort being alone than trying to figure out the norms of connection in groups.
When Micah began interacting socially, he says, “I [was] anxious and self-conscious. I didn’t have shared context with other people. Any sense of being caught off-guard or missing references or not knowing what others were talking about was mortifying.” He responded to this anxiety by staying quiet and speaking only when he felt like it was the "right" thing to say.
As a young adult, Micah discovered meditation and connection practices. He was able to find ways of centering and self-soothing under stress, and began to move from a more individual Guardian to a balanced Observer orientation.
When Micah arrives in a group now, he always has a period of settling in and getting a broad picture of the social space. He is still quiet in groups. But, if asked, he will engage slowly, insightfully, with an awareness of himself and others at the same time.
13

THE WITHDRAWING GROWTH PATH
The goal, when in this Internal/Individual mode, is to move towards a more balanced expression by extending your attention. For the Withdrawing Dialect, this means getting out of self-consciousness (literally: consciousness of the self) by focusing on others or the world. This may require first learning how to manage your own anxiety or habits of withdrawal.
Practices
Find internal comfort
If you struggle to speak up because you’re nervous about saying the wrong thing, a growth path is to learn self-soothing techniques. Meditation, cognitive behavioral therapy, and somatic practices can help you come to a place of balance where you aren’t as worried about the effect of your words.
Set yourself up for success
Before you enter social situations, contemplate what you need to feel comfortable there. Bring a talkative friend. Wear clothes you love. Work out first. Write conversation prompts on your hand. Prepare yourself for a good experience, and you're far more likely to have one.
Accept your language
If this mode is a familiar one for you, you may beat yourself up for lacking the seeming social ease others have. It's okay. Remember that you're not the only one out there who likes a little peace and quiet.
14

The
MERGING
OBSERVER
I settle into observer mode when I am wanting to acclimate to a social situation with a lot of lively interactions. I will get peripheral and only contribute if I feel I can contribute something significant or worthwhile. I may otherwise not feel inclined to offer anything, as I can also easily
appreciate a discussion without being a part of it too.
- B.B.
When in the Merging Dialect, you may not feel a need to speak in order to be part of a group or conversation. You enjoy becoming part of the group field, supporting others and enjoying the space that they create.
You may Merge because you find it easier to participate than generate new ideas, because you want to give others space to speak, or because you have a genuinely quiet mind and find more stimulation from engaging with others' perspectives.
In this Dialect, you can lose track of your own motivations and expression. You may become a yes-being to others' clearer desires. This merged quality can be pleasant, but makes you difficult to interact with for those who enjoy mental conversation and understanding, or who want to know YOUR opinion on a topic.
To relate with someone who is Merging, find silence with them. Observe what they are observing. Perhaps ask them what they notice. Give them time to come to their opinions, and you may find that they have quite a lot to say.
15

MERGING
The
Observer's Tale
Scott is a computer programmer, an Agile coach, and manager at a top- tier tech company. Although he’s quite lively in 1:1 interactions, he becomes quiet and thoughtful in groups. He’s most comfortable making cocktails and listening.
Scott’s Observational skills have served him well in his work with teams. He is able to notice subtle dynamics that others can’t pick up on. Since he’s a close study of human behavior, he can find ways to communicate what he sees such that others can take in his feedback. He is one of the best facilitators I know of, despite using few words to convey his ideas.
Especially in the past, when asked for his own preferences or opinions, Scott just wouldn’t have any. He collected hobbies in order to be interesting, to have a clear personality to talk about, but often seemed to feel a lack of the same self-center that others so easily had.
About himself, Scott says: “I've realized I previously didn't have a "north star" or what was important to me in interactions with others. I now consider mine to be empowering others and progress on my path of self-expression & play. I've reoriented toward my lack of social needs/desires in some circumstances as more like an opportunity to serve than as a problem. External observation is key for how I want to express in the world, which makes sense given my relating language!”
16

THE MERGING GROWTH PATH
The goal when in this External/Relational mode is to move towards balance by centering your attention more within yourself. Merging Observers can get so engaged with the external world that you forget to check in with your own desires and expression. This may leave you subject to the direction of those around you - and may inhibit relationship when others don’t know where you yourself are in mental/emotional space.
Practices
Feel your body
Turn your superpower of attention and awareness internally and notice what you feel with others around. What are you pulled towards or away from? What do you desire? Make these choices more conscious, and practice naming when something feels wrong.
Speak up proactively
Although silence may be comfortable for you, not everyone exists in that expanded awareness. Practice centering yourself back in your body when asked a question, or when you notice that you haven’t spoken in a while. Contributing to the conversation will help build connection between yourself and others.
Trust your wisdom
Few people see as much as you do. Speak up more about what you see and intuit. Others may find your insights more valuable than you think.
17

The
PARTAKING
OBSERVER
“As a kid, I always felt like I was being left behind. The reframe came when I saw it as a superpower - to see things, to wait and be patient.”
- R.S.
When Partaking, you can engage in an experience fully, even when you don't want to alter how it happens. You are a great participant, able to focus on yourself and others at the same time, or to switch your attention fluidly as the situation demands. You can take information from just about any situation. This makes every interaction or experience richer and more interesting for you.
You regularly check in with your own experience - “What is happening for me here?” - and with the feeling of the group or other person(s): “What is happening for everyone else? What is needed here?" With this information, whether or not you speak it aloud, you can nudge others or yourself towards more comfort or fulfillment.
Most of the time, it takes a lot of personal work to achieve balance. Entering this mode takes practice in expanding your awareness to encompass multiple foci at the same time. But, once the mode becomes natural, you'll find yourself playful with social dynamics, and at ease with yourself in just about any situation.
18

The
PARTAKING
Observer's Tale
Kan enjoys the act of being. Ever since I’ve known him, stepping into his home is like stepping into a little refuge - quiet, comfortable, organized. He will make me tea, and we will settle into a slower cadence as we sit and talk. He has a habit of consulting himself before giving answers. We used to joke that his spirit animal was a sloth.
When Kan is around people he feels comfortable with, he says that he really enjoys this slower pace. He creates fascinating experiences - dances, gatherings, adventures, conversations - that all have the same sense of relaxed, unhurried witnessing.
Kan is a Buddhist, meditator, and corporate strategist. He enjoys leading facilitatively, understanding what is happening and synthesizing or putting it in a useful frame. As he says, “there is pleasure in not rushing and still getting something done.”
What I find most notable about my friend is his attitude towards learning. No matter how questionable a teacher or experience may be, Kan will always come away with a new insight. He applies beginner's mind and a deep sense of listening. With an open mind and open ears, there is always enough information for him to pick up something new.
19

RELATING WITH THE
OBSERVING
When speaking with someone who prefers Observing, honor their pace. If you ask them a question or give a direction, give them time to reflect before answering so they can put their thoughts together. I have several colleagues who prefer this language. I text them questions or desires in advance so they can think about their responses prior to an in-person meeting.
To honor the Observers in a group, give everyone time to journal and/or reflect in pairs before asking them to share with everyone. Then, ask those who haven't spoken, "Do you have a thought about this?"
LANGUAGE
Many who prefer the Observing
language are introverts or highly
sensitive types. They tend to
like clarity and consistency in their surroundings. If you're organizing an event with this type of person in attendance, communicate with them in advance. Tell them what role they can play, what the social expectations are, and where they can retreat to if they need space alone.
OBSERVATIONAL ACTIVITIES
READING TOGETHER WALKINGINNATURE DANCE SEEING/MAKING
MEDITATION
BUILDING THINGS ART / MUSIC
20

COCKTAIL HELL
An Observing Story
My partner has recently moved into a new house, and the other weekend, he invited me to a cocktail party with his new neighbors.
I’m not crazy about cocktail parties. It seems like all anyone does at them is waft away in clouds of small talk, discussing mundane topics such as the weather and the water bill. But, I wanted to support my partner in his move, so I showed up.
The party started off well, with an interesting opening where my partner and his housemates engaged in witty repartee with the gay couple down the lane. But I soon got sucked into a conversation with two neighbors discussing how their pipes had fared in the Great Texas Freeze.
This type of back-and-forth Storytelling, while interesting to some, sends my brain scrambling for anything relevant to say. What similar experiences do I have that I could share? Do I want to, if that will continue something I’m not enjoying? Could I switch into Questioning mode and find a part of these people’s lives that interests me, or Direct towards a new activity?
None of those options sounded good. I didn’t want to be rude and leave the conversation. So, I turned to my last option: Observe.
In a way, I had been observing all along. I certainly hadn’t been talking much. But it was the self-conscious, Withdrawing kind of observing: mind running like a rat in a wheel, waiting for someone to notice how awkward I was being and ostracize me forever. Now I was conscious of the choice.
I let myself drift, watching the conversation. As I depressurized, I started noticing more interesting things. How the woman’s dress fit her. How the man gestured when he spoke. How they looked at each other: oh, there’s a relationship there. The discussion about pipes faded to the background for me. When a word or phrase caught my attention, I interjected a comment or a question. But mostly, I watched.
Later in the party, after I had politely disengaged and gone off to other observation-conversations, my partner caught up with me. “How are you?” he asked, knowing that I find social situations awkward.
I smiled at him. “I’m just fine.”
21

OBSERVING
LANGUAGE
INTERACTIONS
22

OBSERVING+
QUESTIONING
compatibility
If you are in Observing mode and encounter someone who is intent on Questioning you, you may feel rushed or on the spot. Questioning is a faster language and can feel demanding when you're wanting space.
However, Questioners shares values with Observers as both are Receptive types. You will probably appreciate the Questioning desire to understand, and the caring attention that is especially common in the Serving mode.
Interaction Suggestions:
1. 2.
3.
Check for the intention behind questions. If you think they are coming from a place of speed or need, slow the questioner down by asking them to contemplate what's behind their query - why they want to know this thing, now. You can then engage with the deeper meaning or value instead.
Create space. If you don't have a ready answer, ask the questioner to wait while you contemplate. Take a genuine look inside. Then, give them the best answer that you can, with the caveat that you may need more time to figure out what is really true for you.
Relate with the relationship. If, over time, you don’t enjoy the pace of someone's questioning, suggest a relational check-in - "Can we talk about something I’m noticing in how we interact? A way I think we could get along better, and enjoy our connection more?" If the other person agrees, speak to what you’re noticing in your connection. Let them get curious about it.
Example: when I was living with my housemate Kan, he and I set up weekly check-ins to go over appreciations and withholds (problems or resentments). This gave both of us a space to reflect on our relationship - and, it gave us time to prepare in advance for what we wanted to say.
23

OBSERVING+
STORYTELLING
compatibility
I have seen many Observing-Storytelling groups and pairs. Observers learn through listening, and Storytelling provides you with a font of information, both social and logistical.
Those with Withdrawing tendencies can find deep relief in being around Storytellers. You don’t have to carry the conversation! You can sit back and listen, absorbing social information about the group and situation, until (if) you have something specific to contribute.
However, since you are sensitive to social dynamics in the Observing mode, you can struggle with the Storyteller's conversational dominance. Making sure the conversation stays balanced, and that everyone gets a chance to speak, becomes more difficult with a Storyteller in the room.
Interaction Suggestions:
1.
2.
Have contexts prepared, in advance or in the moment, to make conversation more equal. In a social setting, you might use an Authentic Relating Game to equalize turn-taking; bring a deck of question cards to hand out; or host a topical event like a salon, ecstatic dance, or talent show.
In a professional or event setting, you can set meeting norms such as "Step Up, Step Back" for sharing; time speaking turns; or simply invite participants to notice who hasn't shared much and divide their time with others.
Share and appreciate why you seek each other out. For those who often end up in Storytelling mode, it can be relieving to know that their friend, partner, or colleague likes listening to them. You may find it sweet to be acknowledged in your superpowers of listening and observation. This sort of appreciation is especially helpful for the often self-conscious Internal Chronicler and Guardian types.
24

OBSERVING+
DIRECTING
compatibility
Observing and Directing have varying degrees of comfort with each other. The Expressive, Interactive style of Directing is exactly opposite to the Receptive, Didactic mode practiced when Observing. In other words, Directing involves a high-engagement expectation of interaction; Observing looks for listening-based respect of each others’ space.
In Observing, you may feel pushed around by Directors. But, you may also appreciate the opportunity to follow and contribute without having to initiate the action yourself. The Observing mode is often sensitive to social norms and others' desires. It can be relieving to have someone tell you their needs without having to guess.
Interaction Suggestions:
1.
2.
Buy yourself time. In response to a Director's advice, suggestions, demands, or requests, you can give yourself time to think and also slow down the conversation by just reflecting what you heard. "It seems like you want me to take out the trash right now. Is that true?" Hearing their own words back can help the Director consider their tone, clarify the direction so you know how you want to respond, and buy time for you to consider.
Share impact. If you don't like the way a Director is interacting with you, tell them the effect that they're having. "When you tell me what to do, I feel pressured, and scared of disappointing or disobeying you." You might follow this up with a request: "If there is something you want from me, could you frame it as a question instead of a demand? Or tell me how important it is, so I know what the impact will be if I say no?"
25

OBSERVING+
OBSERVING
compatibility
Those who prefer Observing make good spouses, business partners, and artistic co-creators. Your ability to attune to subtle dynamics in the relationship helps you find a shared language, often without talking about it at all. You find each other’s comfort relaxing.
The one sticking point, when both people are using this language, is the struggle to find topics of conversation. In this Receptive, Didactic mode, you prefer the other person to initiate. Sometimes this can lead to companionable silences. Sometimes, it can keep you from getting to know each other better.
Interaction Suggestions:
1. 2.
3.
Find mutual activities, like hiking or art, which allow you to enjoy silence while interacting with something outside of yourself. Point out interesting features or ideas, so the other person(s) can enjoy observing new perspectives.
Keep track of what the other person(s) like to talk about. Notice where their eyes light up in conversation, and file those topics away to bring up next time you feel stuck for something to talk about. I've known some high- Observing sorts of people who keep literal spreadsheets on details about people's lives, and refer to the facts prior to an interaction.
Relax around carrying the conversation. Assume that the other person is comfortable in silence and will bring a topic if they want to. It’s not always your job.
26

WHAT'S
NEXT?
Congratulations! You now understand more about one of your Relating Languages, and how you can best interact with others in it.
So, how do you USE this information?
Homework
Your homework is to have a conversation with someone in your life who you struggle to connect with.
Tell them about your Relating Language, and ask for the kind of interaction that would help you bring out your full Observing brilliance in that relationship. Stay attuned to the languages you think THEY use more, and use the Interaction Suggestions for those languages if you get stuck.
Coaching + Programs
We work with individuals, couples, and organizations of all types to help you synchronize your Relating Languages for love, creativity, and productivity. Learn to use your Superpowers and avoid your Shadows, and develop the capacity to
speak every language!
Contact us at [email protected] to talk.
27

BONUS
NOTICING GAME
Play this Authentic Relating Game with others in your life, to bring them effortlessly into the world of Observing.
Instructions for Playing
This game is best played in pairs. The person with the longest hair goes first.
A begins: “Sitting/standing here with you, I notice . . .”
What you notice should be something happening right here and now
- a sensation, feeling, or observation that a camera could capture.
B responds, “Hearing that, I notice . . .” and names something in their own experience. It does not have to be directly related to what A noticed.
Go back and forth: “Hearing that, I notice . . . Hearing that, I notice . . .” for 2-5 minutes.
When the time is up, take a breath, and then name something you notice about the connection between you. What is the quality of your togetherness now?
THE
Attribution: Noticing was brought into the Authentic Relating communities in the mid 1990s by either Guy Sengstock or Decker Cunov.
28

AUTHENTIC REVOLUTION
THE RELATING
LANGUAGES:
DIRECTING

WHAT ARE THE
RELATING LANGUAGES?
Imagine that you live in a city where there are four different languages being spoken, and you are expected to understand every one without being taught it.
Imagine that no one tells you if you’re using the wrong language. They just say,
I don’t want to date you - you’re boring.
You didn’t get the job because you don’t speak up enough.
You need to leave. Your questions are making the guests uncomfortable.
Perhaps, at some point in your life, a thought floated through your head...Isn’t it strange that I got books and books of alphabets, but no primer on speaking with others?
Welcome to The Relating Languages, your translator to the secret scripts of connection.
I’m your guide, Ari Winters. I’ve been fascinated by people for as long as I can remember. After teaching communication and leadership skills for ten years, I started noticing a trend in why some people got along and others just didn’t. I began uncovering and then researching a map for the secret languages that frame our expectations and preferences in family, friend, or romantic relationship.
The Relating Languages changed the way I see the world as a teacher, a facilitator, a leader and CEO - not to mention a daughter, partner, and friend. They have helped me mediate conflicts, make new friends, and connect even with people I don't understand.
A question my students often ask me is, Why is it so hard to connect? The answers to this question can be heard in our questions, stories, requests, and listening. They can be seen in how we expect others to initiate or to respond, how much focus we put on ourselves versus on others, how we change in situations of stress versus safety.
They are different languages and dialects of communication, as complex and as comprehensible as any other tongue.
They are the Relating Languages - the key to understanding anyone, to finding “our tribe”, and to deciphering the secret language of all human beings.
1

THE MAP
EXPLAINED
(don't worry, it will make sense as we continue)
2

THE
DIRECTING
LANGUAGE
decisive clarifying engaged
These days, people want power to be communal. But if
no one is directing, the loudest voices, not the best ones,
end up in control. - S.N.
Directing is the language of challenge and creation, of “Don’t touch that!” and “Let there be light.” It is what we use when we need to make requests and get our needs across.
When Directing, you may give commands, make requests, or offer suggestions. If you’re good at speaking this language, you may frequently find yourself in charge of situations and groups, whether or not you asked for that role.
A good Director can be a gift to any group or situation by helping people negotiate their needs. A bad Director can over-control and shut down others’ expressions.
Directing is an interesting language because, depending on how you were raised, you may speak it very differently. Passive Directors will ask for action in a roundabout way. They may say, “Do you want to take out the trash?”. Active Directors in the same situation will say, “Please take out the trash.” It can sometimes take interaction to find out whether a passive Director is making a request, or just looking for information.
Regardless of how you speak this language, we all need it sometimes - for instance, when sick and asking for help. Directing is an essential part of developing skill in the Relating Languages of communication.
6

SUPERPOWERS
Suggesting new possibilities
Soliciting others' ideas and desires
Clarifying personal needs, so that others can respond
Getting things done Moving projects along
Asserting leadership in stagnant spaces
Raising conversational energy
SHADOWS
Controlling the conversation Requiring action
Failing to take others' needs into account
Shutting down people or ideas
Giving unsolicited help or advice
Passive communication of desires, priorities, and needs
IDEAL CAREERS
LEADER | FACILITATOR | MANAGER | DOCTOR | CHEF |
DESIGNER | CONSULTANT
7

DIRECTING
TENDENCIES
Making passive requests Giving direct commands
Provoking to get feedback / make a joke Offering ideas / advice to stimulate action Setting boundaries
Taking charge
CATCHPHRASES
“CAN WE...?”
"DOES ANYBODY WANT TO...?"
“YOU SHOULD...” “WOULD YOU...?” “PLEASE [ACTION].”
8

DIRECTING
MOTIVATIONS
Directing is a skill for getting needs fulfilled, clarifying desires, and getting things done.
You may direct in order to:
Communicate your needs
Get feedback from others
Negotiate a mutual solution
Test people or situations for resilience
Move tasks, situations, or conversations along Create clear expectations
Get things done
Lighten up situations through fake/joking commands
The Directing language is action-oriented. It is useful when there is a task to complete, but it’s also necessary every day to communicate your needs and desires.
If you speak this language all the time, it can be frustrating for others in your life. Too much action focus can lead you to control others, to change things that are already working, or have difficulty accepting when things are done differently than you expect them to be.
However, if you have NO access to Directing, you end up at the mercy of everyone else's desires. Without this powerful language, you cannot set boundaries, make choices, lead, or create the things you care about.
9

COMMANDING
Internal Focus
I am very good at getting things done
It's hard for others to say no to me
People can feel overwhelmed or resentful at my ability to ask for or demand what I want
I feel frustrated when there is not clarity or forward movement
I expect others to push back if they want something different.
SUGGESTING
External Focus
I ask for the things I need in a roundabout way
I want to understand the options before making a request, so I am less likely to be wrong or rejected
I use open statements like "Do you want..." or "Maybe we should..."
I think it's important to get things done, but I don't want to override anyone to do that.
DIRECTING
DIALECTS
CONDUCTING
Balanced Focus
I state my needs clearly, but leave equally clear space for others to negotiate and contribute their own desires
I want to find collaborative solutions
I facilitate conversations and decisions for all of our benefit.
11

The
COMMANDING
DIRECTOR
“A leader, you see, is one of the things that distinguishes a mob from a people. He maintains the
level of individuals. Too few individuals, and a people reverts to a mob.”
- Stilgar, Dune (Frank Herbert)
When speaking the Internally-Focused Dialect of the Directing language, you are focused on getting your goal accomplished, sometimes at all costs. You have a clear idea of what you want and there is not much room for negotiation. Your truth feels important, time-sensitive, and/or like the obvious best option. If others push back it feels like a challenge to your needs or authority, and you may not have a reasoned response.
This Dialect is essential when setting boundaries where there is not room for negotiation. If you don’t want someone to touch you, it is better to issue a command than a suggestion.
However, especially if you have a strong personality, it can be easy to confuse boundaries with desires, or begin manipulating the other person to get your needs met.
If you set too many restrictions on others’ behaviors and do not allow them to modify your own, you will likely lose those close to you.
The result of using the Commanding Dialect too often is that others may have a hard time telling you no to your face. If so, they will start to find indirect ways of rebelling, such as not getting work done or “forgetting” to invite you to their events.
12

COMMANDING
Director's Tale
Janet is a former teacher and current matriarch. Her home is spotlessly kept; her holiday celebrations are perfectly planned. She keeps tradition alive in her family, sometimes at all costs.
We see Jan every year at Thanksgiving. At one of these events, Janet informed us that she had invited a friend, and would this year be assigning seats so that everyone had the appropriate level of interaction with each other.
Unfortunately, Jan has raised a family that is as strong-willed as she is. Several of us immediately took it on ourselves to rearrange the placecards in a more ideal (to us) way. Jan couldn’t issue a command in front of her friend, so there the seating stayed.
We in her family often resented Jan’s directness. But after she passed away, our family stopped meeting for holidays, and many of us haven’t seen each other since. We realized that only Jan’s strong hand had kept us together for so many years.
The
13

THE COMMANDING GROWTH PATH
The goal, when in this Internal/Individual mode, is to move towards a more balanced expression by extending your attention outside of yourself. For the Commanding Dialect, this means making intentional space for others to react or express their own desires.
Practices
Ask about others
A good way to soften your directness, without losing the power of making your needs known, is to ask questions about what others want after naming your own desires. Try appending “How does that sound to you?” or “What do you want here?” after your statement or request.
Learn to negotiate
If someone contradicts your command, you may feel anger, frustration, or resentment. Let this pass before you respond. Then, either ask after the other person’s preferences, offer an alternative to your command, or Storytell about why you’ve made this request. Bringing space to the conversation will give you a chance to find a mutual solution.
Distinguish desires from needs
Sometimes, you will have a boundary that is non-negotiable, such as “Don’t touch me” or “I can’t come in on Saturday.” However, if “I don’t want you to go out tonight” does not compromise an essential need for you, expressing too many statements like this will make the other person start to resent or ignore genuine needs. Take time to notice what things will be uncomfortable for you, versus impossible or causing genuine and lasting harm to yourself and/or the relationship.
14

The
SUGGESTING
DIRECTOR
“It isn’t normal to know what we want. It is a rare and difficult psychological achievement.” Abraham Harold Maslow
Directing is naturally an Expressive, Interactive language. Thus, if you are speaking the more External Dialect - Suggesting - you are trying to express your needs and get others’ ideas or actions in response. But, your over-focus on making everyone happy can end up both confusing them and undermining your own requests.
Suggesting often, but not always, looks like passive communication. For instance, you might ask “Do you want to go to the store?” instead of stating, “I’d like you to go to the store.” However, it is possible to use that second phrase and still get disoriented or begin apologizing if the other person pushes back. The Suggesting Dialect always wants the other person(s) to be a full yes to their idea, and is quick to drop it if not well-received.
Suggesting is useful if you are in a power-over position. There, your directions will already have so much weight that it can be useful to focus your attention on making others feel as safe and self- expressed as possible. You might say “I’d love to hear everyone’s
thoughts on what we can do,” instead of “Let’s do this!”
However, at the end of the day, you will still need to be the one making a decision. Staying in people-pleasing or brainstorming - as safe as it makes you feel - will lead the group to consensus hell.
15

The
SUGGESTING
Director's Tale
Jen and her mom Sophie used to struggle a lot with different communication styles.
Sophie gets low blood sugar. The way she would tell Jen is, “I may need something to eat” or “Would you like to get some food?” Sophie would go with Jen’s response, whatever it was, and then later be frustrated with Jen for not paying attention to her needs. Jen would feel resentful and like a bad daughter for expecting a more direct request.
Eventually, Jen introduced Sophie to NVC (non-violent communication), a format for putting directions into the form of observations, feelings, needs, and requests. This helped Sophie to understand what Jen had been pointing to about their differences. But, NVC proved harder to adopt than either of them expected.
As Sophie learned the new system, she realized that her difficulty with direct requests wasn’t just an understanding issue. As a child growing up with an angry father, it had not been safe for her to ask for what she wanted. She learned to make delicate suggestions and watch for any sign of a negative reaction, so that she could withdraw the request if needed.
Sophie’s exploration helped Jen understand why she was so reactive to her mother’s Suggesting style. They now have a better framework for relating around their needs.
16

THE SUGGESTING GROWTH PATH
The goal, when in this External/Merged mode, is to move towards a more balanced expression by centering your attention more within yourself. For the Suggesting Dialect, this means being clearer about understanding and expressing your needs.
Practices
Discover your truth
It is hard to know what we need. If you lose your truth when others say no, or find yourself Suggesting instead of asking, you may not have found a need that is core enough to stand for. Journal on your likes, dislikes, and desires. Process aloud with friends. Don’t judge yourself for not knowing what you want - take the time to figure it out. Then, come to the conversation with notes on what you found and what you need.
Find what matters
It can be hard to make a request on your own behalf. Instead, figure out what is at stake if you DON’T ask. What are the long term negative effects, on yourself or especially the people and causes you love, of not making this request now? That’s what you are arguing for.
Clear out a safe space
Often, we enter the Suggesting mode from a fear of not being received. We expect to be rejected even before making the request. Instead of trying to push through that fear, ask for a safer space to speak. You might request a 1:1 meeting with your boss, instead of a passing conversation, or ask for a talk with your partner where they just listen instead of giving a response right away. Set yourself up for success.
17

The
CONDUCTING
DIRECTOR
Nothing is more difficult, and therefore more precious, than to be able to decide.
- Napoleon Bonaparte
Conducting is the balanced form of Directing. In this mode, you are neither too focused on yourself, or too focused on others. You are able to move your attention fluidly in the space between.
In practice, Conducting can look like offering a direction and getting feedback, suggesting a course with a clear next step, or making a request and paying attention to how the other person(s) respond.
In Conducting, you express your needs clearly, so the other or others know what they are responding to. You leave space for others to name their desires. You may even take responsibility for making or naming the final decision after all views have been heard. You allow your desires to inform but not control what that decision should be. You take action without overruling others’ agency.
My favorite description of this form of Conducting comes from the Tao Te Ching: “When the Master leads, the people say ‘look, we did it - all by ourselves.’”
This Dialect, like any balanced type expression, takes learning and practice. But if you develop Conducting skill, you can become the leader we most respect - the partner who it is easiest to read and respond to - or the child who makes clear requests and boundaries of what they need in the family, and opens a space for others to do the same.
The great thing in this world is not so much where we stand, as in what
direction we are moving.
- Oliver Wendell Holmes Supreme Court Justice
18

CONDUCTING
Director's Tale
My favorite example of Conducting is not a person, but a process. In the words of its creator, Dennis Bakke, "We learn best when we discuss our work with others, make decisions that matter, and find out from others whether what we did was right or wrong... [The advice process] leaves the final decisions to individuals, but it forces them to weigh the needs and wishes of the community.”
In Advice Process, any individual can make a decision for an entire group, division, or organization. They must first get advice from anyone affected by that decision, and (if relevant) at least one expert. They don’t have to take the advice - just ask for it.
For example, imagine that I want to Direct my friends towards a restaurant for the evening. I might say, “I’d like to go to Olive Garden, because they’re close and have awesome breadsticks.” Then I’d advice process the idea: “I’m going to make the final decision on this, but would love to hear others’ ideas or considerations.” My friends might name needs around cost, location, time, or dietary restrictions. I would hear everyone out and make sure everyone spoke. Then, I’d make a decision based on what I wanted and what I’d heard.
Advice process was created in a work environment, and used to make decisions for a company of more than 50,000 people. I use it for almost every Direction in my life, work-related or not. As in the best Conducting, this process assumes that others want our direction and desires, but they also want the freedom to inform our decisions with their own needs.
The
19

RELATING WITH THE
DIRECTING
LANGUAGE
When relating with those in Directing mode, the most important thing is to remember that you have agency too. When other(s) name their preferences, you do not have to just surrender yours. In fact, it can be very frustrating for people who value Directing when others roll over and let them have their way - especially if they are resented afterwards for "being controlling”.
If you have a need, don’t wait
for the Director to ask about it; bring it forward. In the moment, this may lead to a disagreement. But if you explain your motivations, those speaking this language will often take your views into account, or let you step into Directing and make the decision instead.
Those speaking the Suggesting Dialect can be TOO willing to give up their decision-making capacity if challenged. If faced with a Suggesting Director, when they say, “Okay - you decide!” or “I’m okay with anything”, turn the attention back on them. “I’m naming my preference, but I really want you to make the decision. I care about what you think.” If you do this, over time, they will be more and more likely to take Direction in the places it matters.
Commanding Directors work well with clear roles and goals. Clarify what decisions belong to them, and give them plenty of feedback on the way.
DIRECTING-FRIENDLY ACTIVITIES
TEAM LEADERSHIP PROJECT CO-CREATION
IMPROV
BOARD GAMES
MAKING ART TOGETHER
BANTERING
20

THE MESSAGE BOARD BATTLES
A Directing Story
At my house, a battle has begun.
I and my housemate Curt both love using the Directing language for mutual amusement. It’s fun to tell each other what to do, and then find ways around doing it. We have found a perfect forum to play out these mini conflicts: the house message board.
The board is a green plastic thing with slats where you can insert detachable letters. Imagine the signs outside churches and you’ll have the idea. It’s too small for the number of characters in a tweet, but just big enough to begin a war of bon mots.
Everything started when our housemate Sophie, who usually acts as a Serving Questioner, left for a several-month-long trip. Before going, she put a lovely Direction on the message board - “Trust Your Intuition and Be Guided By Love.”
It wasn’t long before one of us decided that this quote did not represent our house in its current configuration. The board soon read, “Trust Your Tuition and Be Guided By Voles.”
After a few days, that gimmick got old. I decided to try something new.
Curt used to bake a lot of cookies. Sophie was his favorite housemate, since her Spaceholder sweetness helped the softer sides of Curt emerge. When she left, Curt stopped baking.
I’m sure I could have made the cookies come back by trying Sophie’s move, and gently asking for the return of these delicious treats. Instead, I put a passive suggestion up on the board - “It Has Been -61- Days Since Curt Made Cookies For Sara”.
Curt might have taken this as a chance to retort, and waited months to make cookies again, in case that might be interpreted as giving in.
21

THE MESSAGE BOARD BATTLES
A Directing Story (cont.)
But my housemate is exceedingly sweet in his own way, and has the Observer tendency towards making deep bonds with those he chooses as friends. So cookies appeared the next day, and the sign came down.
Of course, this wasn’t the end. Over time, the board changed again. “Sic Semper Tyrannis”, it read one day: Thus Always to Tyrants. The Latin phrase is attributed to Marcus Brutus, who assassinated Julius Caesar in 44 BC. I assume this was a poke at my strategy for soliciting cookies. Or perhaps a commentary towards the house teenager’s usual string of Commands.
Several days later, the sign said: “No Loitering”. Our resident house dad, Kim, a sweet 60-year-old primary Observer who is the furthest from a Director that you can get, said at dinner that he felt guilty every time he hung out near it.
Yesterday I walked into the kitchen and saw, “Send Snude” picked out in white letters. Unscrambling the words in my head, I sighed, and took a (fully clothed) picture next to the sign for posterity.
That night, at dinner, we finally named our house. Sophie had lobbied for the gentle name “The Shire” - apt for our little 6-acre farm full of families. But, the Directors agreed, that didn’t quite fit us.
Somewhere in the laugh-filled back-and-forth of discussion, one of us hit on it.
Our house is proudly called the spiciest and most confusing of names, perfect for the types contained within.
“Welcome to the Worcester Shire”, the board reads now. I wonder what Sophie will think?
22

DIRECTING
LANGUAGE
INTERACTIONS
23

DIRECTING+ QUESTIONING
compatibility
Directing and Questioning are both Interactive languages. You enjoy active back- and-forths, and have a mutual capacity to move interactions along. However, where Questioning wants to stay in the exploration of truth, Directing wants to test truth through action. When Directing, you may find it annoying to answer a million questions about your requests or commands. But if you just shut these questions down, you may lose the Questioner’s buy-in and trust.
As a Director, you need Questioning’s exploration to find the best decisions. To avoid frustration, you should have an idea of how much exploration you want, what type, and why.
Interaction Suggestions:
1. 2.
3. 4.
Focus on interests, not positions. If you are getting too many questions on a direction you’ve given - for instance, if “Let’s go to the store” turns into a quagmire of “Which one?” and “What do you want to get?" - get curious about and/or address the underlying need. For instance, “Are you worried about getting overwhelmed with choices at the store?” Once you’ve explored, you can conduct a solution that is favorable to both of your needs.
Name your needs. If answering or exploring will make it difficult to accomplish your goal, give a reveal and a re-Direction. For instance, “I am worried that by the time I answer all your questions, there won’t be time to go to the store. Can we start out and discuss a grocery list on the way?”
Show, don't tell. When leading, be aware of where you could clarify things by using a demonstration or an example. Always have one prepared in case your initial explanation is confusing or you get too many questions.
Encourage action. Move questions from the beginning of a Direction to the end by saying, “Let’s just try this out and I’ll take questions after”.
24

DIRECTING+ OBSERVING
compatibility
I’ll be honest, I haven’t observed enough of these interactions yet to be sure of what I’m saying here (epistemic status: uncertain). However, as far as I’ve seen, Directing and Observing get along fairly well, as long as individuals have respect for each other.
When there is a lack of respect, Observing may be the action of staying quiet and fulfilling (or not fulfilling) your Directions out of resentment. This may also occur from a lack of understanding what exactly you want.
When there is respect and understanding, those in an Observing mode enjoy being able to follow your Directions. Both languages do well with action, Observing because it can be practiced in silence and Directing because it gets things done.
Interaction Suggestions:
1.
2.
Check for understanding. If people are taking your directions silently, but then not completing them, it can be helpful to talk with them about the reasons. You could say, “Hey, I want to check in with you about something...I notice that I asked you to write that Relating Languages manual, and it’s still not done. I’m curious if something is standing in the way?” You might find out that the other person misunderstood your instructions, didn’t know the due date, or didn’t want to complete the action because they felt resentful of you for a completely different reason. Instead of getting angry and giving another Direction, use Questioning to try and understand the situation first.
Participate. Sometimes, resentful silence may occur because the other person feels they are doing more work than you are. Make sure that you are participating in making the things you Direct towards.
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DIRECTING+
STORYTELLING
compatibility
(Epistemic status again uncertain on this one.)
Directing and Storytelling are both Expressive languages. This means, in short, that they are each happy to speak up about their preferences and needs. If you give a Direction that the other person(s) doesn’t like, they can go into Storytelling to explain why that is a) not something they can do, b) not something they want to do, c) a stupid idea, or d) actually a good idea but here are 5 other ideas they have on how it could be done better.
Directing types can get frustrated by how much Storytelling talks around an action instead of actually doing it. The Didactic nature of Storytelling conflicts with the Interactive focus of Directing: you want to get things done, while Storytelling wants to tell you all about it.
Interaction Suggestions:
1.
2.
Give a more specific Direction. When someone is talking circles around what you’ve asked for, either to clarify or offer their own opinion, you can cut this by saying “Can you just try it?” or “Okay, here’s a simpler way we can do this” or “Let me clarify...”
I once had a co-facilitator ask a participant to share about their experience in the exercise. The participant began to expound on every detail. After a few minutes, my co-facilitator interrupted: “Can you get to the point, and just say that?” We all laughed, and he did!
Direct the Storyteller to stop Storytelling. As in the above example, you can use your language to re-direct the other person’s. You might say, “Can you ask me about my day?” instead of just listening to them talk about theirs. Or, in a facilitated group session, “I’m going to pause you so we get space for others to speak.” Or, if you are getting too many new ideas or pushback, “Let’s just try this idea and see how it goes”.
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DIRECTING+
DIRECTING
compatibility
Directing with Directing is an interesting pairing. How well you get along with others speaking this language depends on what Dialect you’re speaking.
If you are too far on the Internal (Commanding) side, for example when triggered or upset, you can get into serious fights with other Directors. This is where you get machismo battles, couples arguing, and kids fighting over toys. “Stop that!” “You stop that!”, “Listen to me!” “Listen to me first!”
Directors in a Balanced (Conducting) or even an External (Suggesting) mode can co-create brilliantly with each other. You both want to move at the same speed and make things happen. Instead of contradicting each other, you will “Yes, and...” each other’s suggestions to make an even better final product. To create something truly collaborative, you need another language strong enough to push back and offer new ideas. Your fellow Directors will give you this.
Interaction Suggestions:
1.
2.
Take a breath. If you find yourself in a Commanding-on-Commanding showdown (a common occurrence in arguments), it may seem like you can negotiate a mutual solution, but that is unlikely when you are both trying to control the outcome. You need to de-escalate the fight first. Since you are the only person you have control over, try to be that de- escalator. Take a breath. Count to ten. Walk away. Do whatever it takes to calm yourself down, and come back to the conversation with more access to receptivity through Questioning or Observing.
Negotiate better ways of interacting. If you are in an ongoing relationship of any kind, then take time for a relational retrospective. Ask yourselves and each other, “What happened there? How can we keep from letting it happen again?” For instance, my parents, who are prone to getting into this kind of head-butting, instituted a new rule. When they got particularly heated with each other, one of them would say, “Let’s just stop it!" This allowed both of them to walk away and come back when calmer.
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WHAT'S
NEXT?
Congratulations! You now understand more about one of your Relating Languages, and how you can best interact with others in it.
So, how do you USE this information?
Homework
Your homework is to have a conversation with someone in your life who you struggle to connect with.
Tell them about your Relating Language, and ask for the kind of interaction that would help you bring out your full Directing brilliance in that relationship. Stay attuned to the languages you think THEY use more, and use the Interaction Suggestions for those languages if you get stuck.
Coaching + Programs
We work with individuals, couples, and organizations of all types to help you synchronize your Relating Languages for love, creativity, and productivity. Learn to use your Superpowers and avoid your Shadows, and develop the capacity to
speak every language!
Contact us at [email protected] to talk.
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BONUS
THE "ONETIME"GAME
Play this Authentic Relating Game with others in your life, to bring them into the world of Directing
This is a great game to play in groups, at Burning Man or anywhere else! It takes its name from a common exploratory activity on the playa, where friends take turns being the leader of their group (usually on bicycles) and directing towards whatever pieces of art grab their attention. Then they switch, and the next person follows their fancy with the group in tow.
LSD not required for play.
Instructions for Playing
This game is best played in a public space with a group of people, although it can be played in pairs (or even alone!).
One person volunteers to lead the group. They become The Director. The Director sets a timer for a certain number of minutes - 5 to 20 usually works well - with the volume on so everyone will hear when it goes off.
The Director may then lead the group into any experience, interaction, or exploration they want. They could explore objects, meet new people, facilitate a game, do silly walks, whatever they want. Group members are welcome to opt out of any activity that they don’t feel comfortable participating in.
When the timer goes off, the Director nominates somebody new to take the role.
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