The Languages
The Relating Languages are a new way to conceptualize connection.
Every person can use all of these languages. We gravitate toward one or two, but most of us move between all of them as the situation or relationship demands.
The Relating Languages are a growth-oriented view.
Every Relating Language contains two sub-types, or Dialects. These lie on a spectrum. Towards the middle of each spectrum is a Balanced Dialect, a relational focus where you can maintain attention on both yourself and others while speaking.
4 Relating Languages have been found thus far:
Questioning
Sensing ← Exploring → Interrogating
Overview
When speaking the Questioning language, you lead with your curiosity. You want both breadth and depth from the conversation, even if you have to dig for it. Who wants to talk with a person without learning something new? You enjoy both asking and being asked questions, so it can be hard for you to understand others’ desire for privacy. You sometimes overwhelm them with how much you want to know.
When in this mode, you may worry about over-sharing. You can get frustrated when others don’t ask questions back, as you won’t talk much about yourself unless you feel their curiosity. Your attention can make you a delightful friend, a relentless interpersonal researcher, or an ally in seeking to discover the world.
Positive attributes:
interested, understanding, receptive to new ideas
Negative attributes:
intrusive, insensitive, can lose themselves in others
Ready to learn more?
Observing
Merging ← Partaking → Withdrawing
Overview
Observing is a language of receptivity and contemplation. It is what you use when there is space in the conversation, when someone else is speaking, when you want to take in new information, or make sure that you understand what has already been said.
Observing can include silence, reflection of another's words, sharing present-moment personal impact, or naming something you directly notice. When speaking this language, you don't usually contribute new information to the conversation. But, you can enhance or move along what is already there.
Although you might feel like a wallflower or a witness, you can notice detail that gets passed over in other modes. This becomes information you can share with others, or use to understand the environment better for yourself.
Positive attributes:
perceptive, intuitive, spacious
Negative attributes:
detached, frozen, disengaged
Ready to learn more?
Storytelling
Performing ← Conveying → Informing
Overview
The Storytelling language is the best Relating Language for delivering personal or topical information. It can make you the life of the party and provide a magical sense of immersion. But, it can be frustrating for those who strain to get a word in edgewise.
When Storytelling, you paint a picture of the moment or topic, and often want to get it complete before others interrupt. You rely on the listener giving you cues for whether or not they’re interested. Sometimes you want to relate a topic that is interesting or exciting to you; sometimes, you want to provide a spark that others can play off of.
You often act as the social "glue", holding a conversation or group together by filling the space, or reminding an existing group of shared moments they've had. But, you have to be wary that your glue doesn't turn into a quicksand of words, from which others cannot escape.
Positive attributes:
engaging, expressive, informative
Negative attributes:
self-involved, performative, overtalking
Ready to learn more?
Directing
Suggesting ← Conducting → Commanding
Overview
Directing is the language of challenge and creation, of “Don’t touch that!” and “Let there be light.” It is useful when there is a task to complete, but it’s also necessary every day to communicate your needs and desires. When Directing, you may give commands, make requests, or offer suggestions.
A good Director can be a gift to any group or situation by helping people negotiate their needs. A bad Director can over-control and shut down others’ expressions.
Regardless of how you speak this language, we all need it sometimes - for instance, when setting boundaries or asking for help. Directing is an essential part of developing skill in the Relating Languages.
Positive attributes:
quick, effective, powerful, change-making
Negative attributes:
manipulative, demanding, controlling, intimidating
